


Zephyr

by NoHappyEnding, verynotconcise



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, NHE2017, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 10:05:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13702257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoHappyEnding/pseuds/NoHappyEnding, https://archiveofourown.org/users/verynotconcise/pseuds/verynotconcise
Summary: For Baekhyun, life begins after he dies.





	Zephyr

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:** 2017-115  
>  **Pairing/Main character(s):** Chanyeol/Baekhyun  
>  **Word count:** 29775  
>  **Rating:** PG13  
>  **Warning(s):** Spoiler
> 
>  **Author's note:** to the prompter: i'm not sure if this was what you had in mind, and please forgive me if i went off tangent with this, but i hope you'll enjoy reading it nonetheless.
> 
> title taken from Madeon's song Zephyr, from which i found a lot of inspiration.

They said that the world would end in 1999, but it didn’t. Then they said that it would end in 2012, but it didn’t. Yet for all the times that Baekhyun had prepared himself for the end of the world, nothing could truly prepare him for the end of _his_ world after taking multiple stabs to the chest getting mugged for a few dollars in the middle of the night. Of all the ways that he thought he’d go, he never considered this as a possibility.

“Holy fucking shit,” Baekhyun breathes out, frozen in shock in front of his limp body, “you’ve got to be kidding me.”

His glassy eyes stare up at him, unseeing and unmoving.

“Fuck.” he sighs resignedly.

With absolutely nowhere to go and nothing left to do, Baekhyun deposits himself next to his gradually cooling and stiffening body, watching the blood pool at the side of his chest with morbid fascination. All he wanted to do was get some milk for breakfast tomorrow, and all he got was stabbed. Fantastic.

“Well shit, I hope someone gets to Mongryong before he starves to death.” Baekhyun mutters to himself.

“Is that really the only thing you can think of right now?”

Baekhyun jumps where he’s seated on the floor, “Oh my god.” He turns around quickly and finds himself looking at a long pair of legs. Craning his neck uncomfortably, he manages to look at his surprise visitor with slight disdain. “You scared me.”

“To death?” the man jokes, a wry smile on his face. Baekhyun frowns.

“Isn’t it still too early for that joke?”

“Ah,” the man blinks, as if just realising how rude it was to joke about death to someone who just died, “I'm sorry. I just couldn’t resist it.” he says apologetically, so apologetically that Baekhyun finds himself feeling slightly bad for no reason.

“Well, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that you can’t be anyone good if you can see me. I’m dead. I’m dead,” Baekhyun throws his head into his hands, shaking it unbelievably, “I’m dead!”

Unknown to Baekhyun, the man frowns, “Why can’t I be good just because I’m dead? Are the two mutually exclusive?”

“Please don’t talk maths with me right now, I hated it when I was alive and I still do.” Baekhyun laughs hollowly.

“Okay. So what would you like to talk about?”

“Are you for real?” Baekhyun snaps, looking up with a glare that used to shut his best friend up in the middle of a disagreement. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m dead. I just died a few moments ago. My body is fucking rotting next to me.” he motions towards his body next to him, gradually turning pale, “I just died and you want me to _talk_?”

The man smiles sheepishly, “I usually find that talking helps one to accept his death. You know, letting out steam and all. Thought you might have things you want to say.”

Baekhyun stares.

“Or you know, if you ever want to just scream and shout, now’s as good a time as any.” the man continues gently, “No one will hear you apart from myself. I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

Baekhyun shakes his head again, trying to smile but feeling like it might just crack his face into half. “No. Why would I want to do that? It wouldn’t change me being dead, would it?” the man shakes his head in confirmation, “Yeah, thought so.”

The man smiles, but it may be the most hopeless one that Baekhyun has ever seen in his 24 years of living. The man takes small steps towards Baekhyun until he is standing almost directly behind. Baekhyun doesn’t care, can’t be bothered to care with the amount of thoughts flooding his mind right now. Things like: how will his mother react? Who will care for Mongryong? How can he die without closing that bridge between his brother and himself? Will Jongdae be okay? What about the finals he was going to take next month? What about those jobs he applied for, would they know that the job applicant is now dead in a mugging crime?

It’s only when he starts to think about it that it truly hits him - he’s dead, and no amount of worrying, crying or praying will miraculously bring him back to life.

Baekhyun sniffs, trying hard not to cry in front of a stranger but feeling so much despair that it comes anyway. He can’t believe that this is it. This is the end. Everything he struggled against and worked so hard for was all for nothing, he didn’t even get to enjoy the fruits of his labour before he died. The tears start falling, and he doesn’t think that they will ever stop. It hurts. Everything hurts. His head, his heart, the phantom pain in his chest where he was stabbed multiple times. It all hurts so much. It’s ironic how much more pain you can feel after you’ve died than during the process itself.

Slowly, he feels himself being pulled into someone else’s embrace. Baekhyun opens his eyes and finds himself looking down at the gray oversized hoodie the man was wearing. Oh, well, it’s not like he expected someone else to be able to see him right now, much less be able to hold him. That makes him cry even harder. Not only has he just lost everything in the span of a few minutes, but he’s so alone, so lonely in death.

As if he read Baekhyun’s thoughts, the man whispers, “Shh, it’s okay.” soothingly, stroking Baekhyun’s hair gently. But it’s not, and Baekhyun wonders if things will ever be okay again.

It’s a long time before Baekhyun feels his eyes swell with how much he’s cried, lips slightly puffy as well.

“Fuck, I’m dead.” Baekhyun sobs, “I’m really dead, aren’t I?”

The man nods regretfully.

Baekhyun rubs away the tears from his eyes with the heels of his palm, still sniffing. “I made your hoodie wet,” he says, choking out a laugh that sounds as alive as he is, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not a problem. This is why I wear a hoodie after all - it’s more absorbent.”

“So you’ve done this before? Stumbleupon poor souls and give them a shoulder to cry on?”

“Well, not so much. I come and pick them up, to be more precise.”

Baekhyun eases himself out of the man’s embrace, giving him a weird look. “What does that mean? You came because you knew I was going to die?”

The man smiles wistfully. Baekhyun sighs heavily, shoulder slouching and back hunching.

“So what are you? Some kind of grim reaper?”

“I don’t do the killing, if it comforts you.”

“Obviously not. You’re much too tall and skinny to be that asshole who stabbed me.” Baekhyun rubs his nose, red from crying, “Who are you?”

“I guess it’s high time to introduce myself.” the man’s smile falls, looking nostalgically at Baekhyun for a split second, like he was both disappointed and chastising himself for something. It leaves Baekhyun wondering what came over the other man, why he looked the way he did. There was a look in his eye that made Baekhyun want to hold the stranger and offer him some words of comfort, even though he was the one who just died. But the thought vanishes as soon as the man coughs intentionally while he putting a hand between them, waiting for a handshake. “I’m Park Chanyeol.”

Baekhyun stares at the long and and boney hand in front of him, hesitantly shaking it. “I guess you already know my name, since you came to find me and all. Must have been in your job description somewhere. Step one: find the poor guy. Step two: let him have a meltdown and offer him some free hugs.”

Chanyeol watches Baekhyun with slight amusement twinkling in his eyes, but he doesn’t make any effort to correct Baekhyun, which makes Baekhyun think that he isn’t too far off from the truth. Baekhyun sighs, sniffing again.

“So what’s step three?”

“I take you to my boss, Junmyeon.” Chanyeol answers easily.

 

“I’m not his boss.” the man Baekhyun assumes is Junmyeon, clarifies. When Chanyeol opens his mouth looking ready to interject, Junmyeon shoots him a pointed look and hurriedly continues, “I’m not anyone’s boss. I’m just the messenger between The Boss and us.”

“Aha! So there is a boss!”

Junmyeon remains decidedly unimpressed, so Chanyeol closes his mouth meekly, looking smaller than a moment ago.

Junmyeon was a sturdy looking man, Baekhyun guesses aged between twenty to thirty. With a whole head of combed-back black hair, a light cardigan over his button up and formal pants, Baekhyun could see Junmyeon sitting in some desk job filing papers and leaving his coffee stains all over. He probably made some dad jokes in his free time, and laughed at his own jokes as well.

Junmyeon takes out his planner from the back pocket of his pants, a small book on the verge of falling apart. The spine is well worn and many pages are dogeared, but Junmyeon flips through it ruthlessly like a champ anyway and Baekhyun wonders how the book hasn’t fallen apart yet.

“Right, Byun Baekhyun.” Junmyeon announces, clearing his throat before reading the rest, “It says here that you will be following Chanyeol around until you’re ready.” then promptly snaps the book shut with one hand, looking expectantly at Baekhyun and Chanyeol. Baekhyun looks between Junmyeon and Chanyeol.

“That’s right -” Chanyeol says before freezing and doing a double take, “- wait, me?”

“Yes, you.” Junmyeon sighs, looking like he’s had to explain this a million times before. “Didn’t you see the bulletin for this month?”

Chanyeol’s eyes are shifty. “Yeah.” he says unconvincingly.

Junmyeon sighs again, whacking Chanyeol’s head softly with his planner before sliding it back into his pocket, exactly like a parent reprimanding their child for wrongdoings, much to Baekhyun’s amusement. Junmyeon shoots Chanyeol a pleading look. “Please take care of Baekhyun, don’t lose him on the first day.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t traumatise him too much, and don’t make him dance with you. That’s pretty frightening too.”

“What -”

“- And make sure he’s okay and comfortable.”

“You know I always do.” Chanyeol retorts childishly, pouting a little bit as well like an overgrown child. Junmyeon sighs for the third time and Baekhyun wonders how many times Junmyeon sighs on average in an hour.

Junmyeon pulls Baekhyun aside and fixes him a very sympathetic look. “You have to listen to Chanyeol, okay? He might not always be sensitive and might rub you the wrong way initially, but he has your best interests at heart.”

Does he want to listen to Chanyeol? Not really. Does he think that Chanyeol has his best interests at heart? Not really. Yet for some inexplicable reason, Baekhyun feels compelled to nod his head even if he doesn’t know either of the two men well. Junmyeon smiles at him, patting his head like a doting parent.

“Chanyeol will take good care of you, so please take good care of him too.”

The plea is so earnest that Baekhyun finds himself nodding again, promising this man something that he doesn’t know he can keep.

 

They’re perched on top of a flimsy metal school fence watching a petite boy dribble a soccer ball expertly on the muddy field. With every kick he makes, mud splatters against his white socks, specks of it landing on his surprisingly pale skin. Baekhyun marvels with an ‘o’ shaped mouth, head moving exaggeratedly as the boy runs from one end of the field to the other.

“Luhan,” Chanyeol reads off a list that looks ridiculously like the grocery list Baekhyun used to stick on his fridge, “aged 15. Dies in 2 days from cardiac arrest.”

Baekhyun makes a face, turning back to watch Luhan drinking a few sips of water by the side of the field. As much as Baekhyun enjoys watching Luhan run around the field, study in class or sing on the road, it made him sad to know that the moments that Luhan could continue doing so were numbered. How could someone so young, so full of life and energy be fated to die in 2 days? It didn’t make sense to Baekhyun.

In some twisted sense, it reminded him of his own situation. He was going to graduate from university in 3 months. He had people who loved him, a life ahead of him, and yet in the grand scheme of things it didn’t matter at all. Even if he hated his job as a supermarket cashier, even if he hated cramming for the last finals he would ever have to sit for, he didn’t hate his life. He wanted to see what could have happened after he graduated, he wanted to know where he would have gone, who he could have become. Yet all it took was a mugger and a knife to decide that he didn’t deserve to live his life.

Sensing the change in atmosphere, Chanyeol gently nudges Baekhyun’s elbow with his own, jolting Baekhyun from his thoughts. “What are you thinking of?”

“Nothing.” Baekhyun says defensively. Chanyeol looks at him sadly.

“Are you okay?”

“Okay?”

“Yeah. Are you alright?”

No. How can any of this be alright? Baekhyun thinks. “Yeah. Guess so.” is Baekhyun’s clipped answer.

They don’t speak after that, watching Luhan go about his solo practice drills in an awkward silence; Baekhyun trying to ignore Chanyeol and Chanyeol swinging his legs and letting it hit the fence noisily. It’s loud and sends violent jerks along the length of the fence, and it grates Baekhyun’s already very thin patience.

“Stop that.” Baekhyun growls, giving Chanyeol a death glare.

Chanyeol stills immediately. “Oops.”

“What is wrong with you? Why are you so loud and in my face all the time?”

“In your face? I’m taller than you, I’d have to fold myself into half to be ‘in your face’.” Chanyeol quotes with his fingers, sulking.

Baekhyun doesn’t bother to dignify that jibe with a response, he plants his chin on his hand and scowls at Luhan. Stupid Chanyeol. Annoying Chanyeol. Insensitive Chanyeol.

They fall back into that freezing silence again, only that this time Chanyeol is awfully stationary. Chanyeol is so quiet that it begins to make Baekhyun feel slightly bad for lashing out at his poor companion like that. He wouldn’t go so far as to say that Chanyeol didn’t deserve it, because he kind of did. But Baekhyun knew that part of it was uncalled for, he was just antsy and Chanyeol managed to send him over the edge by being what he guesses is normal Chanyeol - loud, restless, lively. Baekhyun doesn’t think Chanyeol meant to irritate him, and maybe he should try to make up for his bad temper.

Baekhyun clears his throat, catching Chanyeol’s attention. “I was thinking about how it’s possible for someone like Luhan to die.”

He won’t apologise, though.

Chanyeol turns to face Baekhyun hesitantly. “What?”

“You asked what I was thinking of didn’t you? I’m telling you now - I don’t get how Luhan can die from cardiac arrest.”

“Why not?”

“He’s 15!”

“Death doesn’t discriminate.”

“He’s been running along that field doing drills for god knows how long. He’s so fit! Does that make sense to you?”

Chanyeol wrinkles his nose in thought, “Does how death work ever make sense to me? No, it doesn’t. I’ve seen people who live a healthy lifestyle - low carbs, daily exercise, regular sleep hours - die from random accidents. One day they’re running miles and lifting weights in the gym, and the next they get involved in some unfortunate accident. Imagine that - all the work you put into having a better life is cut short by a random variable you didn’t know was even in the equation until it happens. But I guess that’s life for you. It’s like that guy said, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.”

It shouldn’t be this simple to understand, but it is. The truth was a bitter pill to swallow. There was nothing he could have done to prevent the mugging from happening, all those years of hapkido only for him to freeze the moment he saw that knife. What was the point of learning to defend himself if he couldn’t do it even when his life depended on it?

Baekhyun squirms on the fence, no longer comfortable in his own mind. Instead of dwelling on his thoughts, he latches onto what Chanyeol had said, replying belatedly, “You mean Forrest Gump?”

It takes a moment for Chanyeol to understand what Baekhyun was referring to, “That’s not the point, but yeah. I think that was his name.”

“And also, that is a horrible analogy. Most boxes of chocolates come with those little cards with flavour identifications now.”

“That’s.. also not the point.”

Baekhyun faces Chanyeol with an exasperated sigh. “So what was the point of your monologue?”

“The point is that life happens, like shit happens. You don’t expect some things to happen, but they do. You can’t explain it, you just have to - to accept it.” Chanyeol speaks quickly, words flying out of his mouth like a bullet. It might have as well been one, with the way it hurt Baekhyun with how brutally truthfully they were.

Baekhyun looks down, lightly swinging his legs. Chanyeol breathes out heavily, back hunching as he does.

“Nothing in life is promised except death.”

The words slice through the palpable tension like hot knife through butter. Baekhyun’s defense mechanism kicks in as he tries to laugh, even if it comes out flat.

“That’s awfully poetic, coming from someone like you.”

“That’s Kanye West for you.”

He doesn’t know the man, but it feels so fitting for Chanyeol to say that. Baekhyun feels his lips tug upwards, even if he doesn’t smile. It doesn’t close the hole he feels in his chest, but it’s a start.

 

 

“What do you want to do?” Chanyeol asks casually. They’re sitting on opposite end of a bench in the public park. The sky above them is turning orange, thin clouds drifting across lazily. The playground across them is slowly becoming less crowded as more parents bring their children home for dinner.

Baekhyun pauses to think of what he wants to do. The first thing that comes to mind is going home, back to that ratty flat that cost him a bomb to rent, back to his parents’ house in the outskirts of Seoul, back to his childhood home in Bucheon.

But he shakes away all thoughts of home, because he isn’t sure if he can still consider those places as home anymore. Instead, he throws the question back at Chanyeol. “What do you usually do?”

“Play dance dance revolution, watch a movie, sing at the karaoke. Oh, I attend some concerts too.” Baekhyun raises a brow. Chanyeol’s voice takes a defensive tone, “What? You think the view from the front row is amazing? Just wait until you see their faces standing on the same stage as them.”

“I envy your nonchalance towards all this. Seriously.”

“All what?”

“This.” Baekhyun gestures vaguely at the both of them, making Chanyeol even more confused. “Being dead. Finding other dead people.”

“Oh.” Chanyeol blinks, as if the thought just occurred to him. He purses his lips and regards Baekhyun cautiously, waiting for any random emotional outbursts. “I mean, I guess you just - just learn to roll with things. You know? It’s just easier to accept things and find meaning in doing it, than to always go against the current. I don’t know. I can’t do it.” He shakes his head with a wry smile.

Baekhyun looks away. Today’s sunset is dull, fading into a light blue without the blinding orange and yellow rays that Baekhyun always enjoyed watching during his study breaks.

“Enlighten me. What meaning is there in finding the new dead?”

Chanyeol breathes out, looking up at the sky as he slides his hands into the pockets of his track pants. “I think it’s important for them to know that they aren’t alone when they pass on. I think that they should know that there is someone who has been where they are, understands their loss, and is able to help them cope with it.” he says evenly. With how apathetic Chanyeol looks, Baekhyun would have thought that he just didn’t care enough if it wasn’t for the way his words falters at the end.

Baekhyun nods lifelessly. He’s never thought of it that way. Now that Chanyeol mentions it, he remembers the way that Chanyeol held him while he bawled. Even if it wasn’t Chanyeol’s touch that Baekhyun wanted then, he can’t deny that it made him feel slightly less lonely in his grief.

“How long do we do this for?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been doing this for 27 years, my friend Yixing has been around for 40 odd years, Junmyeon has been around slightly longer than Yixing. My mentor did it for 34 years. Take your guess.”

 _27 years_ , Baekhyun thinks. That’s longer than his entire life.

“God, that’s a really fucking long time to be dead.”

“Yeah, well, when you’ve lived this long, time isn’t really a thing anymore. You don’t feel it like you do when you’re alive and age.”

“That sounds like a pile of horseshit, no offense.”

“None taken.”

“So what? We do this until we die again? Can we even die again?”

Chanyeol shrugs, “I don’t know what happens for everyone, but I have seen people I know disappear from the realm of death forever.”

“So.. where do they go?”

Chanyeol laughs, a cold and harsh sound. “I used to ask myself the same question. If ignorance is a bliss, then I had 24 years of it.”

 

 

Luhan dies painfully in a slow silence.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun are standing facing his petite back, shoulders still too narrow and body too lanky. Once again it hits Baekhyun like a slap to his face how young Luhan is. It’s unfair. Luhan has a life ahead of him, he probably hasn’t lived through half of it yet. Hopes, dreams, aspirations. None of it seems to matter when Luhan hits the floor with a loud thud. Baekhyun closes his eyes and takes a few steps back, one for every second that he still hears movement and the sporadic gasps. And then even when he no longer hears them. He doesn’t want to cry again, he doesn’t want to feel the stitches on his own wounds become undone.

But he fails, and the tears fall anyway.

Oh god, how can he even be here right now? How can he watch someone even younger than him die and not be able to stop it? How can he face Luhan and tell him that he’s dead, that he would never wake up to bicker with his friends again, never kiss his parents goodnight again?

Oh god, how can he even be here right now?

And so Baekhyun does what he knows best and runs.

He runs and runs and doesn’t stop when he hears Chanyeol call his name, he doesn’t stop when the streets start to become crowded again, he doesn’t stop when the light is red and cars are driving through him.

Without meaning to, he ends up in his small dingy room with a peeling paint job and faded stains on the wall. Everything is left as it was when he rushed out for lectures a week ago: it’s a mess. His bed is still left undone, notes litter the floor and packets of instant noodles are thrown haphazardly by the kitchen door. The only thing that has changed is the silence of the house where Mongryong would usually be by the door, jumping at Baekhyun’s feet with big eyes and its tongue out of its mouth.

It looks like home, but it doesn’t feel like home anymore, and Baekhyun’s tired.

He drags himself across the room, the small distance feeling like millions of miles away, and collapses on the bed. With how thin the mattress is, it should hurt him when he falls on it, but it doesn’t. Still, Baekhyun tries to pretend that there was some pseudo hurt just so that things would feel a little more normal, like none of this is happening. He knows that the sheets should be cold, as they would be on any other night, but he can’t feel it. He can’t feel if it’s hot or cold. He can’t feel the cold but it feels so much colder than he’s ever known, and he doesn’t know how to make it stop.

Baekhyun doesn’t want to cry anymore, but the first tear broke a dam of tears and he begins to cry again. His soft strangled sobs grow louder as he begins to kick his legs in frustration. Fuck it all to hell. What was the point of living a good life as a law abiding citizen, as a good son and brother and friend if it was all going to end this way? What was the point of living such a pointless life?

He wants to scream so loud the neighbours would bang the walls in protest. He wants to slam the door and see the hinges rattle. He just wants to be able to touch and feel and be heard again. To do those things he took for granted, to be able to be noticed by the living and not just the dead. He wants so badly, but it’s never happening again.

Amidst the chaos and confusion in his head, one thought rings clear to him: he’s dead. It repeats itself like a mantra and Baekhyun cries himself to sleep curled up to the thought of it.

 

He observes his funeral from a distance away from the small crowd that has gathered in black. Unlike in the movies, it was an unbearably hot and humid day, a stark contrast to the solemn mood in the new cemetery. It’s weird to observe the processing of your own funeral, but it would be even weirder to stand among the crowd of living people when you were dead.

He doesn’t understand why his parents didn’t just cremate him, but in a way he’s kind of glad for it. When his body is the only tangible part of him left in the world, he’s glad that it’s going to remain in one piece.

Closest to the pastor are his parents and brother huddled together for support. His father is wearing an impenetrable expression, gripping his mother’s shoulders tightly as she dabs at her red eyes. Baekhyun has never had a close relationship with his brother, but his brother isn’t looking good either. There are dark circles under his eyes and a downward tug at the corner of his lips. Even Mongryong is silent at their feet, always misbehaving at home even with treats, but for the first time sitting quietly at his father’s feet.

Baekhyun can’t say that he expected a lot of people to mourn his passing since he was never a popular guy, but he was surprised by the people who did turn up. Besides his family and closest friends, even the new exchange student from China turned up.

Tao was a mess with how much darker his eyebags grew, and how his body trembled as a new wave of sobs wash over him. Baekhyun never expected Tao to value their few months old friendship that much because he never thought of himself as particularly helpful, but he guesses that was also because that was who Tao was. Tao was loving and sensitive, which made watching the tall man cry even harder to do.

But the most difficult person to watch was Jongdae. In all his years of knowing his best friend, he had never known Jongdae to be so emotional. Jongdae prided himself on being a man of steel, fearless and without weakness. He never screamed in haunted houses that had Baekhyun drooling in fright, he never shed a single tear at sad Christmas shows that Baekhyun bawled at, and yet here he was suppressing the hiccups from crying too long, occasionally rubbing at his puffy eyes.

After the casket was securely six feet under a neatly tucked pile of soil and while people were dispersing, Jongdae walks up to Baekhyun’s family to offer his condolences again. They embrace each other tightly before Baekhyun’s family walk away, leaving Jongdae alone with a unmarred tombstone.

As Baekhyun’s family pass by him, Mongryong barks loudly at his feet, jumping up and down as he did when Baekhyun was still alive. Baekhyun’s mother looks alarmed as she scoops Mongryong into her arms, stroking his back softly while Mongryong looks over her shoulders with its tongue out of its mouth, as if he could see where Baekhyun was staring back at him. Baekhyun waves back to Mongryong, hoping that he’ll see it and know that Baekhyun is still around, somewhere.

After Baekhyun’s family drives away, Baekhyun walks up to Jongdae, standing next to him and looking at the newly carved headstone. Jongdae stares at it for a long time, finally accepting Baekhyun’s death.

“You said you were going to get your driver's license before me..” Jongdae finally croaks out, rubbing at the corner of his eye. His voice is uncharacteristically hoarse, and it hurts Baekhyun even more. “You said that you wanted me to treat you to a meal at the new burger shop on campus. You wanted to quit your job and go on a road trip with me after graduation.. So why did you leave?”

Baekhyun swallows thickly next to Jongdae.

“I didn’t want to.” he protests softly, but it fails to reach his intended recipient. Jongdae stares at the tombstone awhile longer, as if waiting for Baekhyun to answer him. When nothing happens, the light in Jongdae’s eyes go out and he turns away while shaking his head, as if reprimanding himself for hoping.

Baekhyun bites the inside of his mouth as he watches Jongdae’s retreating back. He manages to wait until he’s alone before he lets himself cry. The ugly sobs escape and he finds his vision blurred by the tears that streak down his face, and no matter how hard he rubs his eyes there are still more that make its way down his face. No matter how many times he’s cried before, it can never compare to seeing the grief shared by his family and friends who have to move on in life without him.

His eyes are closed when he feels a hand on his shoulder. Tentatively opening his eyes, he finds Chanyeol looking down at him with an unreadable expression. Wordlessly, Chanyeol pulls Baekhyun to his chest and rubs small gentle circles on the small of Baekhyun’s back. No words were spoken, no fingers pointed. Baekhyun only cries, tears soaking through Chanyeol’s hoodie. For the first time, Baekhyun is glad to have Chanyeol around.

 

The next few days pass in a blur. Chanyeol keeps quiet when Baekhyun wants to be left alone; and when Baekhyun is in a better mood, Chanyeol is sure to be extra loud, always chirping and laughing. And sometimes, his contagious laughter makes Baekhyun smile as well.

Not once does Chanyeol bring up Baekhyun’s tears, and he’s thankful for it.

 

It’s bright. And noisy. Really noisy.

Fucking hell, is someone using a vacuum cleaner?

Baekhyun pops one eye open, surveying his surroundings before realising that shit, where the fuck is he even? The last thing he remembers from last night is waiting for Chanyeol in the club, because it’s Wednesday night, and Wednesday nights are the ‘best nights to be out and about’ even if they weren’t ladies nor did they even need to pay for entrance fees (because they’re dead). Baekhyun didn’t understand Chanyeol’s logic but he learnt quickly that it would be easier to just follow along than to try and argue with him.

Right, he remembers watching Chanyeol try to grind his hips but ending up looking like he was playing with some invisible some hula hoops. He can even remember the shit show when the man in front of him decided to vomit over the shoes of some other man. Baekhyun doesn’t claim to be well versed in the art of street fighting but that was quite a show he saw.

So how did he end up here?

As he struggles to push himself on his elbows, he ends up crushing something under him. A bit boney, soft on the edges, nothing like cushions. Baekhyun looks down where the said object is, only that it’s not an object, it’s an arm. Chanyeol’s arm to be exact.

“Ow!” Chanyeol cries, long and loud. His eyes are shut tightly in pain and it’s so exaggerated that Baekhyun almost snickers, until Chanyeol’s eyes fly open to glare at him.

“Oops,” Baekhyun says unapologetically as he moves away, “my bad.”

“You don’t even sound like you mean it.” Chanyeol whines, scrambling up to nurse his wounded arm. Baekhyun’s lips twitch as he tries to suppress his amusement.

“You should’ve given me a heads up.”

 _“I was asleep_.” Chanyeol points out. Okay, fair enough. Suddenly Chanyeol sits up, like he remembered something really important. “And speaking of which, what happened to you last night? I came out looking for you because you were gone from the club, and I found you on passed out dead against the wall. I would have freaked out thinking someone beat you good if I didn’t know that you were already dead.”

“I don’t know. I don’t really remember. There was a fight and I followed them out.”

“Oh, I heard the commotion! Who won?”

“The fat one.” When Chanyeol narrows his eyes in confusion, Baekhyun waves his hands around and elaborates, “Ugly leather jacket, the one who got vomited on? He can really pack a punch. Who knew, right?”

“Ugh, sounds bad.” Chanyeol winces.

“Yeah, it was really messy. I think he broke the other guy’s nose, definitely gave him a black eye.”

“Damn, I would’ve went out to see it myself if I didn’t hate the sight of blood that much.”

“You hate the sight of blood?” Baekhyun repeats wryly, “Dude, you’ve been seeing dead bodies for 27 years.”

Chanyeol blinks, “Uhhuh?”

“27 years!” Baekhyun throws his arms up, “How do you even hang on when you hate your job?”

“I mean, it’s not like I can quit this job. It’s like other people who hate their jobs but are stuck with it, we just suck it up I guess.”

“Still, it’s a damn long time to be doing something you hate.”

“It’s not so bad after awhile. I don’t get used to the sight or smell of blood, I still hate it. But I guess my personal dislike is so much less consequential when someone else just lost their life, you know? How can I even complain? I can’t.” Chanyeol shrugs indifferently, “It’s more important to me that the other person is okay. I mean, his soul is okay.”

Wow. Sure, there are days that Baekhyun wonders how Chanyeol has lived on for 27 years doing this, and sure he comes up with his own list of reasons. But everytime that Chanyeol opens up about his thoughts, it never fails to leave Baekhyun speechless and feeling a bit selfish and judgemental. Speechless at how Chanyeol takes life slash death with such a positive view, Baekhyun averts his gaze.

“Wow, guts of steel huh? Wish I had them when I was, you know, stabbed. Could have saved my life.” Baekhyun tries to joke, but it falls flat. He still laughs though. Chanyeol looks at him all weird for a while, like Baekhyun has suddenly grown an extra head or something. It takes a long moment of Baekhyun awkwardly and forcefully laughing at his own joke before Chanyeol comes around and starts smiling, eyes crinkling at the sides and that little dimple deepening.

“Did you just joke?”

“What?”

“You did, didn’t you? Byun Baekhyun finally cracking a joke, has hell frozen over? Should I check the news to see if pigs are flying?” Chanyeol howls, rolling on the bed clutching his stomach. Baekhyun pushes Chanyeol off the bed with his toes indignantly.

“Shut up, you stupid man child.” he huffs, folding his arms across his chest. But Chanyeol’s laughter - something like a man choking on air - is as contagious as they come, and Baekhyun finds himself laughing along soon enough.

After they calm down, Chanyeol pokes his head from the edge of the bed, resting it on his palms. It’s the way that Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun, like he’s finally found the treasure he’s been looking for, that unnerves him.

“Why’re you staring at me like that?”

“Like what?”

Baekhyun draws a circle around Chanyeol’s face with a finger. “That.”

Chanyeol’s smile dims, “You finally laughed.”

“I always laugh.”

“Not like you mean it.”

Okay, Chanyeol has a point. How he knows that though, Baekhyun would like to know. Truthfully, this conversation has steered itself into a territory Baekhyun would like to never enter again. So he changes the conversation.

“I really like this place. It’s clean, neat, and woody.” Baekhyun says, throwing himself back and spreading out on the bed, “I like wood.”

“You like wood.” Chanyeol snickers. Baekhyun toes him off the edge of the bed again, Chanyeol laughing when he falls off and back on the floor. Baekhyun pretends he isn’t smiling to the sound of Chanyeol’s weird laughter.

 

 

The first time that Chanyeol disappears, Baekhyun finds spends the morning wondering if maybe he was still in a dream where he had his freedom from Chanyeol. So he waits in the furniture store, always poised for Chanyeol to jump out from nowhere and laugh when Baekhyun screams. But when ten turns to eleven and eleven to noon, Baekhyun soon comes to accept that Chanyeol has really left him alone to his own devices and gone off to god knows where.

So Baekhyun takes the opportunity to go on a window shopping spree, to go into random cinemas and exit when the movie turns out to be less exciting than he expected it to be. He spends the entire day walking around the streets, staring at food more photogenic than himself, staring at tourists with big eyes and open mouths, spends the day walking among the living and pretending that he is one of them. Another face in the crowd.

It should be a good thing, it should make Baekhyun happy to finally be rid of his shadow, but for some reason Baekhyun only feels worried. His thoughts keep drifting back to Chanyeol; where is Chanyeol now? Will he be back soon? Where should he go so that Chanyeol knows where to find him? What is he doing now?

It is only when he is finally alone that he realises how much difference Chanyeol’s presence makes. He never imagined he’d ever say this but for the first time ever, he wishes that Chanyeol was there with him.

When daylight starts to give way to the night sky, Baekhyun is more than exhausted by the walking he has done. He’s ready to collapse in bed and call it a day, but he can’t do it without Chanyeol. Rather, he won’t do it without Chanyeol.

Without meaning to, he finds himself at a river he doesn’t remember ever visiting before, wandering along one of the bridges. He doesn’t really know why he came here, doesn’t remember how he got here, but it’s unexpectedly calming to be there even if he doesn’t know exactly where there is.

Baekhyun watches his reflection distort on the water surface for a long time in silence, taking in everything that has happened in the recent weeks. Dying, meeting Chanyeol, his funeral, Luhan’s death, all of it was still so fresh in his memories.

A man wearing a pressed suit walks next to him moments later, lighting up the cigarette between his teeth with practiced ease.

“Smoking is bad for you, mister.” Baekhyun says without any bite, still looking ahead of him, “Can’t imagine why you’d want to join me this early in your life.”

The man exhales slowly, a thin trail of smoke escapes from his parted lips in a jagged line.

“Are you ignoring me?” Baekhyun turns to face the man. He tries hard to keep his lips in a straight line, suppressing the smile creeping onto his face. “Didn’t they teach you to respect the dead?”

The man faces away and inhales deeply, closing his eyes.

“Ah, damn, I feel stupid talking to myself like this. I must be going crazy.” he laughs weakly, massaging his temples in slow motions. “Maybe I need a cigarette or something, must be the stress getting to me. It wouldn’t even increase my chances of getting cancer now anyway, because I’m dead.”

He laughs harder at the last part. The man exhales again, more clumsily this time, and the smoke comes out in a large breath of gray.

“You know, thinking and talking about death now is such a weird thing to do. It’s like looking back at a hurdle that you’ve already crossed. We spend such a long time of our life - maybe even our whole life - just fearing death and what comes after. It actually feels really anticlimactic now that I’m dead, and this is all there is to the afterlife: more life, but with less sensations.” Baekhyun blinks, thinking about his last sentence. “Well if that isn’t the biggest contradiction I’ve ever heard, more life in death.”

Baekhyun turns back to the river, arms resting against the metal railings. “Still, I guess it hasn’t been too shit an experience, and I guess a large part of it is thanks to Chanyeol.”

“Aww, Baekhyunnie, I’m so touched.”

Baekhyun yells as he jumps, spinning around to find Chanyeol standing behind him, seemingly materialising out of thin air.

“Shit! Fuck!” Baekhyun barks, “You scared me.”

“So cute.” Chanyeol ruffles Baekhyun’s hair playfully.

“How did you know where to find me?”

“I don’t know,” Chanyeol fidgets. Baekhyun raises a brow. “but I guess I’ll always find you wherever you disappear to.”

Baekhyun doesn’t know why he feels that Chanyeol wasn’t only referring to this, but he can’t place a finger on it as well. So he decides to ignore it, it must not have been important if he can’t understand it.

“Where did you come from?”

Chanyeol shrugs, “I had something to do, thought you could use some alone time so I left before you woke up. But maybe I should keep doing this, since it makes you miss me.” he coos. Baekhyun bats Chanyeol’s hand away petulantly.

“Ass.”

“You miss me. You _miss_ me.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes, turning to walk off. He can’t help the smile creeping onto his face when he hears Chanyeol sputtering after him, telling Baekhyun to wait for him.

 

 

Baekhyun is watching Chanyeol fail terribly at dance dance revolution, it’s so embarrassing to be standing near him. If he wasn’t already dead, he might have died from the second hand embarrassment.

“Woohoo, I got this!” Chanyeol yells as he misses another dance step. Oh god, he really didn’t. Baekhyun presses his lips into a really thin line as he watches the little girl in front of Chanyeol match every move on the screen, while Chanyeol is… doing something. At least Chanyeol is trying his best, Baekhyun thinks.

Thankfully, the round comes to an end and Chanyeol gets off the dance platform, with the little girl skipping past him happily towards her parents.

“I did great didn’t I, Baekhyunnie?” Chanyeol asks, looking too much like a kid finding praise. Baekhyun nods with difficulty, trying to muster up all the sincerity he can.

“Um, yeah. You looked great.” Baekhyun says mechanically, pointing two thumbs up just so that he could look casual and sincere.

Chanyeol frowns, “You sound like you just ate shit and were forced to say it was great.”

“I didn’t _eat_ shit.” Baekhyun assures Chanyeol, then saying in a smaller voice, “Doesn’t mean that I didn’t see shit though.”

Chanyeol suddenly leaps forward with a raised hand, and it catches Baekhyun by surprise, making him scurry away with a squeak he’ll never admit to. With how often Chanyeol does this, Baekhyun should be used to it by now, but he can never tell when Chanyeol will actually hit him and when he’s just pretending.

“Ah, seriously, this ingrate.” Chanyeol murmurs lowly to himself. Baekhyun opens his eyes and mouth to refute that statement when he is promptly cut off by a gentle accented voice from behind him.

“Chanyeol?”

“Yixing?” Chanyeol says in disbelief, his already wide eyes growing even wider - which is in itself a feat. Baekhyun relaxes his defensive stance, turning around slowly to the new addition to their sad party of 2.

And then more confidently, Chanyeol shouts with open arms, “Yixing!”

The man behind Baekhyun, Yixing, is a tall man with a neat appearance. He’s stylish, that’s for sure. Where Chanyeol is always in an oversized hoodie with track pants, Yixing is in a proper shirt that looks ironed many times over, with pants that look more expensive than Baekhyun’s whole flat. His skin complexion is good too, it’s unblemished and fair and makes Baekhyun really wants to know his skincare routine.

“Chanyeol! It’s been too long.” Yixing says as he embraces Chanyeol in a tight hug, eyes in small crescents and gums showing. Chanyeol nuzzles into Yixing’s shoulder like a long lost lover, but Chanyeol has always been overly affectionate and touchy anyway. (Like that time that Baekhyun and Chanyeol stumbled upon a box of abandoned kittens and Chanyeol refused to leave until he saw every kitten picked up by someone. But Baekhyun wasn’t complaining anyway.)

Chanyeol pulls away with the brightest smile that Baekhyun has ever seen on his face, “How are you?”

Yixing laughs heartily, slinging an arm around Chanyeol’s neck. He is _that_ tall. “I’ve been doing well. How are you?” then Yixing’s gaze drifts to Baekhyun standing at the back, mouth forming an ‘o’ as they make eye contact. The intensity of Yixing’s look leaves Baekhyun unable to move. It’s intense and not in a way that he likes.

After a beat, Yixing’s expression changes into a friendlier one.

“Ah, Baekhyunnie, it’s been so long since I last saw you too!” Yixing exclaims, extending an arm to wrap around Baekhyun’s shoulders too. But his words strike Baekhyun and he recoils from the touch, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

“How do you know my name?”

Chanyeol’s eyes go back and forth between them nervously as Yixing lets go of Chanyeol, scratching his temple gently. “A-Ah, did I say that? It’s just that -”

“I told Yixing about you.” Chanyeol interrupts, giving Yixing a meaningful look from the side, “He must have confused you with someone else. Right, Yixing?”

“Ah, right!” Yixing claps his hands together with a shaky smile, “That’s right. I confused you for my other friend, uh, Bekhyun.”

“Bekhyun?” Baekhyun repeats skeptically.

“Yeah,” Yixing drawls, “Bekhyun.”

“Right, so, Baekhyun this is Zhang Yixing.” Chanyeol says loudly while gesturing to Yixing, “And Yixing, this is my new tutee Byun Baekhyun.”

Yixing perks up, offering an outstretched hand to Baekhyun who shakes it hesitantly, still harbouring some suspicions. It’s obvious that the both of them are trying to change the topic, but it’s pointless to try and dig information up at the moment, so Baekhyun rolls with it.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you.” Yixing says eagerly, his dimpled smile on display, “I’ve heard so much about you from Chanyeol.”

“Good things, I hope.” Baekhyun says, shooting a glare at Chanyeol’s direction. Chanyeol nods quickly, which Baekhyun reads as: only good things I swear.

“So Yixing, what are you doing here?” Chanyeol asks, albeit too forcefully. If Yixing notices, he doesn’t show it, his cheerful smile still on his face. Yixing slides his arm around Chanyeol’s shoulder again, standing shoulder to shoulder with Chanyeol to face Baekhyun.

“Ah, I was just passing by. I thought I might find you here, but I didn’t expect to really find you here. Dance dance revolution never gets old, huh?”

“Nope.” Chanyeol says, popping the ‘p’.

“Just how _long_ have you been playing this game?” Baekhyun asks.

“A long time.” Yixing replies, giving Chanyeol an encouraging pat on the head with a look of approval, “He’s improved a lot since he first started.”

Chanyeol nods back enthusiastically, relishing the praise given by Yixing. Baekhyun doesn’t really want to know.

They continue chatting for a little while more, and by ‘they’ Baekhyun really means Chanyeol and Yixing. He’s just standing by the side, pretending to understand why they’re laughing at numbers and lame words. Probably inside jokes. He doesn’t get it, but he tries to smile and nod along when they titter between themselves, trying not to feel too left out.

Towards the end, Yixing finally asks Baekhyun about how he’s been getting along. Baekhyun answers truthfully; life (or death, whatever) still sucks, but at least he’s not crying as much as he was, he misses his family and friends, he misses doing regular things he took for granted. As Baekhyun’s mini rant goes on, he half expects Yixing to tune him out and nod along on screensaver mode, but Yixing never does that. He listens and comments with such sincerity that Baekhyun finds himself liking Yixing more than he has ever liked anyone within such a short time.

It feels like only a short time has passed before Yixing checks his watch, sighing sadly, “Well, I think I’ve got to go. Work calls.”

Chanyeol nods understandingly, pulling Yixing in for a long hug. “I’ll see you soon, my dude.” As they pull away from each other, they stare at one another for a few seconds with an indecipherable look on their faces. It may just be a passing moment, but Baekhyun felt like there was something more significant to that short exchange that he didn’t catch. When Yixing turns and walks towards Baekhyun, he decides to file that information away for later when Chanyeol was alone with him.

“Goodbye, Yixing,” Baekhyun says cordially, leaning in to hug Yixing.

Before Baekhyun is released from Yixing’s hug, he is tugged even closer for a second. Yixing leans in closer just enough for his mouth to reach the tip of Baekhyun’s ears, whispering softly, “Take care of Chanyeol, don’t break his heart.”

A weird sense of deja vu washes over Baekhyun, sending him back three months when Junmyeon uttered similar words. Baekhyun’s eye narrow. If the conversation and interactions before weren’t fishy enough, this was the one that flipped the metaphorical switch in Baekhyun that makes him think that Yixing knew more than he was letting on. There was definitely something more to those seemingly innocent words, something more to that casual look between Chanyeol and Yixing. And it definitely concerned him.

When Yixing lets go of Baekhyun, he waves a hand at Chanyeol joyously, deliberately ignoring the perplexed stare Baekhyun was giving him. “Take care of yourself and little Baekhyunnie over here. I’ll see you guys when I see you!” Yixing calls loudly as he opens the door to exit the arcade.

Baekhyun can only bring himself to wave half-heartedly besides Chanyeol.

 

 

They’re settling in for the night in the same departmental store, with Baekhyun crawling into the right side of the bed while Chanyeol is already making space on the left. It’s been an awfully long day of walking and Baekhyun is more than ready to call it a night and crash until the next day.

“I guess this is it,” Baekhyun yawns openly, not bothering to cover his mouth. He snuggles himself under the covers even more, wiggling his butt until he finds a more comfortable position to curl into. “goodnight, you.”

Chanyeol smiles at the back of Baekhyun’s head, “Let’s sing karaoke tomorrow.”

Baekhyun waves it away, “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.” Baekhyun slurs. But they both know that the plan was already pretty much finalised. It wasn’t as if there was anything better planned for tomorrow anyway.

“Goodnight.” Chanyeol says back to him, turning away and closing his eyes as well.

 

 

“It’s my death day today.” Chanyeol says conversationally when they’re playing the swings at the playground. It’s a cloudy noon and brown leaves are scattered across the ground, the trees swaying along with the strong wind. If there’s one thing Baekhyun misses about being alive, it’s feeling the cold or warmth during seasonal changes.

Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol, looking at the thick clouds floating by slowly. Chanyeol has been uncharacteristically quiet today, a more thoughtful kind of silence hangs between them.

“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun replies, although he isn’t sure what he is sorry for.

Chanyeol shakes his head. “Why?” he asks with a smile. Baekhyun opens his mouth slowly, not sure what to say to that.

Chanyeol pushes his swing and begins to swing higher and higher every time he passes Baekhyun, looking like a child visiting the playground for the first time. He looks so happy and in his element that it makes Baekhyun forget that Chanyeol has been dead for at least 20 odd years, that would make him older than a middle aged man if he were still alive, almost makes him forget that they were just talking about his death a minute ago. It’s envious how he’s still able to retain that childlike innocence.

“I used to spend this day in mourning, kind of. You know, emo thoughts about what I could have done if I was alive and all. I was a brooding person on my death day, really unpleasant to be around and all. But then one day my mentor whacked some sense into me. Like literally. He whacked the back of my head.”

Baekhyun snorts.

Chanyeol laughs softly, shaking his head, “Yeah. He said that watching me brood was painful because it wasn’t like I was six feet under.” Chanyeol pauses and scrunched his nose, “I mean, my body is six foot under but I’m still here, you know?”

“Right.” Baekhyun agrees.

“So I decided that every year, I would do something on my death day that I’ve never done before.” Chanyeol reveals excitedly, gradually slowing his momentum on the swing until it comes to a slow motion of ups and downs.

Initially, Baekhyun waits for Chanyeol to tell him what it was that they were going to do this year. (‘Them’ because Baekhyun has long accepted that they were going to be stuck together for awhile, and he might as well get used to the idea of being one unit with this overexcited giant manchild.) Baekhyun waits for Chanyeol to elaborate, but Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun impatiently with his mouth firmly shut. Baekhyun sighs inwardly.

“What is it that you want to do this year, Chanyeol?”

“I’m glad you asked, Baek.” Chanyeol says. Not voluntarily, Baekhyun thinks. “I want to go to a theme park this year.”

“No way.” Baekhyun objects, crossing his arms in an ‘x’ and shaking his head violently, “Over my dead body, Chanyeol! I’m not going to a theme park.”

Chanyeol frowns, “But you _are_ dead, Baekhyun.” he reasons.

“Oh.” Baekhyun mutters, pausing for awhile in realisation. Chanyeol smirks in triumph, crossing his arms and leaning back like the argument is already won. “But you’re still going to have to drag my dead body if you want to go there so badly.”

 

 

“I cannot believe that you are literally dragging my dead body over here.” Baekhyun says dryly, with Chanyeol’s arm around his in a vice grip. Chanyeol beams innocently over his shoulder at Baekhyun.

“I believe that was the challenge.”

“It was rhetoric.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

Theme parks, fucking theme parks. The last time he stepped foot in one was years ago, when he was still a naive preteen with hopes and dreams and ambitions. Now he could never sit on those twisty roller coasters without having his breakfast come out of the wrong hole in the wrong form. It was horrible. Besides, did they not watch Final Destination 4 or what? By Murphy’s law, this place was the perfect place for something to go wrong. The possibilities were endless.

Chanyeol scans the park quickly before he brightens at the sight of a viking ship. Objectively, Baekhyun knows that that viking ship wasn’t huge. It was a mini viking ship meant for small children with a fear of heights to be able to enjoy. Small, petite, cute.

But then that same viking ship came down quickly, and the whole ship erupted into a bunch of screams. Baekhyun felt like he could be sick.

“I want to sit on that one.” Chanyeol exclaims gleefully.

“I really don’t.” Baekhyun refutes immediately. But Chanyeol either didn’t hear or didn’t care or maybe even both because he was still dragging a reluctant Baekhyun by the arm towards the depths of hell. “Oh god, no, Chanyeol, I can’t -”

“Don’t say that, Baekhyunnie. It’ll be fun.” Chanyeol promises, pushing Baekhyun into the seat in the last row next to an excited looking child grabbing onto the handrails with his chubby fingers. Chanyeol himself plops onto the outermost seat as a way to prevent Baekhyun from leaving, grabbing onto the handrails as well. The stationmaster starts talking about some safety rules, and Baekhyun knows that if he doesn’t leave, shit will hit the fan soon.

“Chanyeol, this is not -” Baekhyun begins but unfortunately doesn’t get to finish, because the ride starts swinging backwards and oh god, how is this mini ship so high up.

“Scream on the way down with me, Baek.” Chanyeol says, still with that impeccable smile on his face. Asshole.

“No way in hell.” Baekhyun screams on the way down instead, each word a pitch higher than the one before it. From the chorus of delighted screaming, it would be easy to identify Baekhyun’s petrified one, and Chanyeol’s loud and deep laughter.

Thankfully, the ride is shorter than expected and came to an end quickly. The lone child in the back seat rushes out and runs through them, leaving Baekhyun feeling even more tingly than before.

“Wasn’t that fun?” Chanyeol laughs. Baekhyun nods weakly.

“Yeah, fun.” he murmurs to himself, getting off the seat on wobbly legs and a pounding heart. He’s laughing breathlessly and humourlessly to himself while walking ahead of Chanyeol, trying to find the nearest exit. Better quit while you’re ahead. “Now that we’ve had our fun, let’s go back.”

“No way, I want to sit on that too!” Chanyeol points up towards a red colour roller coaster with more twists and turns than that time Jongdae fucked up his perm. Baekhyun has never been good at maths, but he’s sure that that drop was almost 90 degrees. As Baekhyun stares at the little carriage of people go through the first drop and scream all the way, he can feel his stomach drop as well. No. No way. No fucking way.

Chanyeol grabs Baekhyun’s arm and excitedly makes towards that ride, ignoring how Baekhyun is trying to wiggle out of his grasp.

“We’re not sitting on something that looks like it crawled out of Satan’s butt, Chanyeol!”

“Crawled out of Satan’s butt.” Chanyeol repeats amusedly.

“This isn’t the time to be laughing, dude. That thing is what nightmares are made of, mine to be exact.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Baekhyun.”

“I’m not dramatic, I’m scared shitless.”

“So can I say that you’re scared to death?” Chanyeol snickers. Baekhyun slaps Chanyeol’s hand a few times, like swatting a fly that just won’t die. “Come on, Baek. Trust me, it’ll be fun.”

It gets increasingly crowded as they near the ride, with snaking queues with teenagers and adults chatting while waiting for the line to move.

“It’s crowded, Chanyeol. It would take too much time for us to sit on this, so let’s go back.” he tries again. Chanyeol’s grip on his arm only tightens as he drags them through the line, cutting ahead of everyone.

“One of the many perks of being dead,” Chanyeol winks over his shoulder at Baekhyun, “express pass tickets every time we visit.”

Baekhyun doesn’t even have the time or wits to make a snarky comeback before Chanyeol unceremoniously pushes Baekhyun into the last row before climbing in himself.

“We are literally sitting on people, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun hisses, feeling the person beneath him grip tightly onto the seat vest over him. Chanyeol leans back, unbothered that he was really digging deeper into the person sharing the seat.

“It’s going to be great.” Chanyeol cheers, howling loudly as the ride starts. Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck.

 _Trust me, he said, it’ll be fun, he said._ Oh god, he can even hear the little ticking sound as they make their way upwards. Everyone else on the ride was cheering loudly and even wolf whistling, but Baekhyun could only grip onto the rails and shut his eyes as tightly as possible as they begin to tip over the edge.

“Here we go!” Chanyeol shrieks on the way down. Baekhyun can’t even open his mouth, can’t even open his eyes. All he wants is to be anywhere but in that shitty uncomfortable seat he was sharing with a restless girl, making all kinds of weird noises as they round the corner.

His eyes are still closed when he feels someone's hand reach for his, intertwining their fingers together.

He opens one eye meekly and peers down, only to find a somewhat familiar bony hand with fingers that are too long clasped with his. There’s a gentle squeeze, urging Baekhyun to open his eyes as much as he can with the wind blowing harshly at their faces and their hair whipping their skin. Baekhyun’s gaze trails to Chanyeol, smiling encouragingly at him.

It’s the last thing he sees on the ride before he take another deep dive. This time, Baekhyun joins the crowd in their synchronised blood curdling screaming.

After they get off the ride, Chanyeol is still bursting with adrenaline. He’s bouncing on the heels of his feet while Baekhyun is struggling to keep walking straight.

“That was so much fun, we should do it again.” Chanyeol says enthusiastically. Baekhyun looks up in horror.

“What?”

Chanyeol manages to keep a poker face for about five seconds before he bursts into laughter, clapping Baekhyun’s shoulder as he does. Baekhyun has to give it to Chanyeol, he expected the man to only be able to keep a poker face for one second, two max.

“I’m kidding, Baek. Relax.” he wheezes in between gasps for breath. Baekhyun sends him a dirty look, still bent over with hands on his knees.

“Easy for you to say, you’re not the one who was subjected to an insane amount of mental torture and trauma today.” Baekhyun fumes under his breath begrudgingly. When Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol again, he is facing the sky with his eyes closed and a small upward tug on his lips. To say that it’s odd to see a stationary man in the middle of a constantly moving crowd would be an understatement, much less that it’s Chanyeol. Chanyeol who is always up and about, for once standing so still that Baekhyun wonders what he’s thinking of at the moment.

It’s not the first time that he sees this side of Chanyeol, but it never fails to leave him in awe.

The silence between them eventually gets to Chanyeol; the man opens his eyes slowly and looks down at Baekhyun, questioning. Flustered, Baekhyun begins to straighten his own shirt out and does the same for Chanyeol’s crumpled gray hoodie.

“Look at you, at least straighten your clothes. You look like a mess.” Baekhyun chastises. Chanyeol hums in reply, smoothing out the creases of his oversized hoodie. Baekhyun takes a step back in approval when he notices a folded piece of paper fall out from the front pocket of Chanyeol’s hoodie.

“What’s this?” Baekhyun squats down to pick it up. He unfolds it easily and begins to scan the words written on it, or rather, the names and dates.

This is a death list.

“Hey, what’re you reading?” Chanyeol calls, looking over Baekhyun’s shoulder before gasping and snatching the paper away from Baekhyun. He folds it back quickly and slides it into his pocket again, making sure it’s in all the way before he meets Baekhyun’s stare with a look of distrust.

“Was that..?” Baekhyun asks, not knowing how to phrase his words. By the look on Chanyeol’s face, the message was sent across anyway.

“Yeah.”

“So.. the last three times that you’ve disappeared..?”

“..Yeah.” Chanyeol forces himself to say, his eyes roaming everywhere else but in Baekhyun’s direction.

Baekhyun is at a loss for words. He isn’t sure what to feel or say at the moment. Why was Chanyeol hiding this from him? Why did he feel the need to do their job without involving Baekhyun? Did he think that Baekhyun was a burden?

A cold rage washes over Baekhyun. He clenches his fist and takes in a long and deep breath, opening his eyes with fury.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Chanyeol meets his stare before looking away guiltily. “I saw how affected you were the last time when Luhan died.” Chanyeol pauses for a second, contemplating his next words. “I didn’t want to put you through it again.”

In the short span of time, Baekhyun had expected a lot of answers, variations of saying that Baekhyun was trouble for Chanyeol. He had conjured up many ways to hit back at Chanyeol as well, preparing himself for a full blown argument in the middle of the busy theme park. But he never expected something as thoughtful as what Chanyeol had said. He never thought that Chanyeol would care so much for him as to deliberately do their jobs himself, and shield Baekhyun from reliving the pain he went through.

Baekhyun’s anger turns to shame. He looks down at the ground, looking at the trampled cigarette bud by his feet as the anger washes out of him.

“Oh.” Baekhyun says at last, still unable to look up.

The rest of the day passes quickly as the sky turns dark not long after this short lived argument. Baekhyun follows Chanyeol’s shoes and trails behind him. The change in mood must have killed Chanyeol’s enthusiasm because he walks about without expressing any desire to sit on rides anymore, lest he upset Baekhyun further.

Baekhyun stops walking when Chanyeol’s footsteps stop abruptly. He finally looks at what Chanyeol was staring at longingly. A mini ferris wheel. It’s small and open, a bench with a handrail across people’s lap. Although Baekhyun has said that he didn’t want to go on anymore rides, this was one that he didn’t mind. He wanted to make up for his behaviour towards Chanyeol too, and if this was one way that he could do it then so be it.

Baekhyun watches the way that Chanyeol’s jaw sets, lips in a grim line, and he knows that Chanyeol would forgo taking the ferris wheel just so that he doesn’t unintentionally prioritise his own happiness over Baekhyun’s. Chanyeol was like that; considerate and loving, always giving but rarely taking.

“I want to sit on that.” Baekhyun says softly.

Chanyeol turns around in surprise, brows furrowed together. “You do?” It’s obvious that Chanyeol didn’t believe Baekhyun, not with the way Baekhyun protested everything earlier. Chanyeol was waiting for Baekhyun to say no, he didn’t really want to take the ride, he just wanted to make up for before. Chanyeol was giving Baekhyun an easy way out. But Baekhyun wasn’t going to do that.

“Yeah. I do.” Baekhyun says. Chanyeol’s raises both eyebrows, waiting for a second before he turns around again.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

There is no queue because of how lackluster the ferris wheel is in comparison to the more exciting rides in the theme park. Chanyeol and Baekhyun hop on an empty bench, sitting as far away from the other as the bench would allow. Chanyeol is resting his chin on his palm, looking at the sizeable crowd of visitors while Baekhyun is looking up at the sky, admiring how some of the lights twinkle in their spot.

As they climb higher up, Baekhyun counts the seconds before he says something to break the ice. Surprisingly, it is Chanyeol who speaks first.

“I’ve always wanted to visit this place.” he breathes out. Baekhyun turns his head and finds Chanyeol still looking at the crowd of people. Some of them are walking together, huddled close for warmth, while others are spread far apart, walking quickly or standing around and people-watching.

Chanyeol should be happy to finally visit this place, yet Baekhyun can’t help but feel that it makes Chanyeol more sad than anything else. There’s a part of him that yearns to reach out and touch Chanyeol, maybe offer him what little comfort he can. But another stronger part of him feels like if he did it, he would shatter the little bubble that Chanyeol had built around himself in quiet moments like this. And Baekhyun wouldn’t know what to do if that bubble were to burst.

Baekhyun stares at his own fingers resting firmly on his lap. “Why didn’t you?”

“I was supposed to, a long time ago. But the person I was supposed to come with vanished.” Chanyeol says. He’s swinging his legs now, one up and one down. He looks so childish and relaxed when he says it, but each word sounded so delicate, rolling from the tip of his tongue and waiting for the sound of shattering glass.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I waited for him for hours before I realised that he wasn’t coming.” Chanyeol tries to shrug nonchalantly, but it doesn’t work. “And then I found out the hard way that I wasn’t going to see him anymore.”

“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun says sincerely. Chanyeol shrugs again, looking down while fiddling with the hem of his hoodie.

“But I got to come here with you in the end, so I guess it doesn’t really bother me so much anymore.”

Baekhyun takes a moment, heart jumping in his chest. It’s not like Chanyeol was making a grand statement that swept Baekhyun off his feet, but such a quiet admission about something that Chanyeol held so close to his heart made Baekhyun realise that perhaps he was more important to Chanyeol than he originally thought he was. He feels silly for letting such a simple statement make him this happy, but he can’t help it. At a loss for words, he settles for a simple, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Chanyeol says a beat later.

The both of them look at each other with eyes in half moons, shy dimpled smiles and rectangular grins. For that night, Chanyeol slides closer to Baekhyun without Baekhyun protesting his proximity. Not close enough to touch, but close enough to feel the happiness radiating off the other.

When Baekhyun looks up at the sky - with Chanyeol this time - the stars seem to be a bit brighter than they were before.

 

The fourth time that Chanyeol disappears, Baekhyun can’t bring himself to be surprised. He doesn’t blame Chanyeol for leaving without him. He knows that if Chanyeol had asked, he would have said yes even if he didn’t want to, and Chanyeol probably knew that as well. Instead of wandering around, Baekhyun decides to visit the one place he’s been avoiding: his grave.

Winter has come earlier this year with the first snow of the year falling a few days ago. It’s lighter than other years as well; the roads are relatively clear from snow and umbrellas are still kept in bags. Winter used to be Baekhyun’s least favourite season because of the gloom it brings. Everything always looks much sadder during winter, the days are shorter and he would always have to hide in heated rooms because of how easily he feels cold.

Even if it’s different this year because he no longer feels the need to find warmth, he hates it even more because he feels more alone than ever. Separated from the people he holds dearest.

Trudging to his grave, he notes how desolate the entire cemetery feels. It’s not as if he expects this place to be blooming with life, but it reeks of death and everything miserable. It feels forgotten and left behind by the living. Maybe this is why he hasn’t encountered any other dead souls loitering around the area - no one wants to feel like they have been left behind by their loved ones, of all people. It’s inevitable that people will begin to miss you less, given that all they have are memories to remember you by, but it doesn’t hurt any less.

His tombstone is still as new as it was the last time he visited - which was the first time he visited. Unlike the others that started to chip or crack at the corners, his is still white and unmarred. There’s only a thin layer of snow that blankets the top, and broken branches that keeps it company. No offerings, no letters. It’s empty, just like the ones around it. He tries not to dwell too much on it, maybe the cleaners have thrown away the rotten food or flowers. He hopes it’s so.

Baekhyun tries to sweep away the snow, but his hand goes through the headstone. He sighs resignedly, settling on the ground and leaning his head against it. If Chanyeol was going to keep disappearing on him like this, Baekhyun would need to have contingency plans for what to do while waiting for Chanyeol to come back. Maybe he could visit Jeju, he’s never been there before. Or maybe he could take a train to Busan and imagine that there would be a zombie apocalypse halfway through the journey. Not that he could die again, but still, it would be exciting.

Or maybe he could go home. He could visit his parents and see how they’re getting along in life without him calling them up in the middle of the night about a school related problem. He could see how Mongryong is like now, if he was still shedding as much hair as he did in Baekhyun’s flat that was too small for him to run freely. He could see if the old neighbours next door that doted on him like their own grandchild were still mobile and healthy.

His mood dampens on that thought. He hasn’t seen his parents in awhile and he really misses them a lot.

Baekhyun sits at his grave for a long time, watching the faint shadows elongate around him. His eyelids begin to grow heavy when he hears soft footsteps growing louder, sometimes a crunch from where a branch has been stepped on.

Looking up, he finds himself looking at a man with a rainbow beanie. Baekhyun will always be able to recognise that beanie anywhere, he gave it to Jongdae for Christmas five years ago. Jongdae had complained that it was too ugly to be seen wearing in public, but he never failed to wear it for the future Christmas celebrations they had.

“Hey, Baekhyunnie.” Jongdae breathes out. There’s a small puff of cold air where his breath leaves his mouth. Baekhyun smiles up at Jongdae and shifts away to make space for his friend, even if it was unnecessary since Jongdae would have just gone through Baekhyun if he sat down.

“Hi Jongdae, it’s been awhile.” Baekhyun answers happily.

“I haven’t had time to visit because of my new job. I told you about it the last time I came, remember? The studio I interned in last year hired me, and not to run their errands and buy them coffee anymore. But I actually get to help in the studio, editing the songs and all. It’s really cool, but also very time consuming.” Jongdae chuckles to himself.

Jongdae looks at the ground below and slowly removes the beanie, gripping onto it tightly as he takes deep breaths, thinking of how to phrase his words.

Finally, he looks up and begins shakily. “It’s been difficult since you left, Byun Baek. During commencement, I was unconsciously looking around for you so that I could hug you and take that picture of us throwing our graduation hats up in our gowns, just like we always talked about. During the time before I got employed, I spent the bulk of it at home feeling like something was off before I realised that that was supposed to be the time we spent together on our unplanned road trip to.. god knows where?”

Baekhyun looks down, feeling a deep sense of loss wash over him. He picks at a loose thread near the ends of his jeans.

“I went to visit your family the other day.” Baekhyun looks up now, anxiously waiting for Jongdae to complete his sentence his bated breath. “I didn’t meet your father or brother because they were busy with work, but I met your mother. I saw Mongryong too; he’s doing well. He’s still as active as ever, but his fur has grown a lot since I last saw him. You would say that it was time for a haircut. I think it looks fine on him.

“As usual, your mother told me to take a seat and chat with her for awhile. She was smiling brightly at me as she always did, pouring a cup of coffee for me even though it was too bitter for my liking. She talked to me about everything, from the most important events to the most mundane ones. But I could tell that she was really trying to avoid talking about your.. departure. I didn’t bring it up either, it wouldn’t be fair to her.”

Baekhyun nods in agreement.

“Instead, I told her about the cute barista at the coffee shop we used to frequent. I told you about him the last time I came. Well, I haven’t got the courage to ask him out yet, but I think I might do it soon, Baek.” Jongdae smiles to himself, suddenly looking shy and embarrassed. “I think you would have said that his ass is great, not that I’ve been staring or anything.”

“Right.” Baekhyun scoffed.

“But I really want to ask him out. I think I might have a chance, I don’t think he gives free drinks to every customer he likes.” Jongdae continues bashfully, kicking at a hole in the ground and wringing the beanie in his hands. “I wish you were still here to give me some advice or support, you know?”

He brushes the bouquet of flowers in his hands gently, smiling fondly at them before he gently places them in front of the headstone. Jongdae brushes away the snow the way he used to do for Baekhyun’s hair, with tenderness he tries not to show often.

“These are Daffodils. I have no idea what they mean, I didn’t even know what it was called. I only bought them because I thought that they were really pretty, and I thought that you would have really liked them too. I know how much you hate winters because of how dreary it is, but these flowers are so bright. I really wanted them to remind you a bit of the spring you always loved.”

“They’re beautiful.” Baekhyun agrees.

“As I was paying for the flowers today, the florist asked if I knew what these flowers were. I said that I didn’t, I only buy flowers that look pretty. And she laughed. She said that most of her customers come in with a flower in mind, because apparently they search for flower meanings and stuff.”

Silence.

“Truthfully though, I don’t like flowers. I don’t really understand why we gift flowers when they’re so fragile, when their lives are so fleeting. They take so much effort to grow; they bloom with so much difficulty but die so easily.”

Baekhyun knows. It was 2 years ago that Jongdae tried to grow sunflowers for the girl he was seeing, because it was her favourite flower, so that he could finally ask her to be in an exclusive relationship with him. So he bought 2 packets of seeds and planted them in different pots, but only a handful grew, and the 3 that blossomed had withered not too long after.

“But your life wasn’t like that at all. You always talked about giving up, dropping out of school to flip burgers, but you always clenched your teeth and did it. You remember that time you failed your midterms? You flunked the midterm with flying colours, and you were shitting in your pants preparing for the finals. And you kept saying that you were going to fail that module, and you kept saying that you wanted to drop out and give up on yourself. But every night that I left the study lounge, you were still there, pouring over notes and extra practices. And you passed with a B grade.”

Jongdae sucks in a breath, eyes becoming glassy. “You also fought for what you wanted even when the odds were stacked impossibly against you. I never told you, because I never thought that I needed to, but I was admired your fighting spirit that I could never replicate. The other day at work, some idiot intern deleted the new song we were working on and I was on the verge of having a meltdown there in the studio. But I remembered that you never gave up, so I pick myself up, I pulled myself together and with the help of my friends we managed to clear the shit that hit the fan.”

Baekhyun feels a weight on his chest as the first tears fall from Jongdae’s eyes.

“And at that time, all I could hear were the words you always encouraged me with. I don’t know how to tell you how much I need you in my life, and it hurts that you’re no longer here. And it hurts that all I have left of you are pictures and videos that do no justice to the kind of person you really are. And I never said it enough, because I never thought that the day would come that I would be living without you, but you were the best friend I ever had, and I wish I had told you that. I miss you, god knows how fucking much I miss you. I miss you so much and all I can think of is how I should have told you before you died.” Jongdae sniffs, wiping his eyes with a thumb. Baekhyun feels the weight grow heavier, suffocating him.

It feels like shit to see his friend cry again because of him, and be able to do nothing to console him. Baekhyun moves closer to his friend, just like old times. But this time it’s Jongdae who’s crying, and this time things won’t ever be okay again like they used to be.

Jongdae’s words ring in Baekhyun’s head for a long time after he leaves. There are too many things he’s thinking of. Thinking of his family trying to move on with life, thinking of his friends, thinking of how scared he feels that he might be left behind by everyone.

He should have told his family that he loved them, should have spent more time with his family and friends, should have lived a little harder when he had the chance. Now that he doesn’t have it anymore, all he can think of are all the ‘what if’s that poison his thoughts. He doesn’t want to be forgotten, but he doesn’t want to be a thorn in their happy moments.

There’s another set of footsteps that stops next to him. Baekhyun follows the length of those legs up, meeting Chanyeol’s eyes at the end of the short journey.

“Yo.” Chanyeol greets with one hand up.

Baekhyun smiles weakly, “Yo.”

“What’re you doing on the floor, Baekhyun? It’s cold down there.”

“We don’t feel cold, Chanyeol.”

“Right. I kind of forgot. But still, it looks cold. What’re you doing down there?”

“I was thinking.”

Chanyeol lets out a low whistle as he begins to sit in the space that Baekhyun made for Jongdae, slipping both of his hands in the pockets of his gray hoodie. “Thinking? Don’t do too much of that, it’s dangerous.”

“We can’t all be like you, Chanyeol. Someone needs to be the thinker between the both of us.” Baekhyun says lightly, pressing a finger to Chanyeol’s temple and pushing him away gently. Chanyeol plays along and sways to the side with an indignant pout.

“Rude.” Chanyeol mutters. Baekhyun smiles at him, unfazed by Chanyeol’s comment. “What were you thinking about?”

“Life.”

“Ah, specificity, I never knew it was a thing.”

Baekhyun kicks Chanyeol lightly, huffing. “Idiot.” then his smile falls a bit, “Do you have regrets?”

Chanyeol looks up from the floor, and his expression is one that he always wears for Baekhyun - gentle and patient. “Of course I do. I don’t think anyone can truly say that they don’t.”

“Yeah. It’s normal right? To regret something you never did?”

“Perfectly normal.”

“Do you ever think about how you should’ve spent more time with the ones you loved? How you should’ve showered them with more affection?”

“I do.” Chanyeol nods. “But I’ve also realised that this is toxic thinking. You keep thinking of your inadequacies, and thinking of what you should have done but never did, and trust me you’ll be walking down a stray path where no one can pull you back from. You’ll just end up living in the past, and by the time you wake up, the present will have been gone and you’ll regret that. It’s not worth it. It’s normal to have regrets, but that shouldn’t stop you from living in the now.”

Baekhyun stares at Chanyeol, just openly stares at him for a few seconds. Chanyeol who likes the smell of fresh flowers, Chanyeol who likes to watch midnight movies, Chanyeol who is so optimistic about life after death. He’s never really thought of Chanyeol in such a positive light, but here he is. It never occurred to him that life after death didn’t need to be a discontinuation of, well, _life_. He’s still hanging around, he’s still sharing the same air as the living, even if he couldn’t very well feel it.

“Hey, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun begins slowly, gauging Chanyeol for a reaction. Chanyeol keeps his eyes closed and nose in the bouquet, but he makes a noise of acknowledgement. “let’s do something fun.”

“Fun?” Chanyeol says suspiciously, like he doesn’t believe that fun and Baekhyun can exist in the same sentence. Rude.

Baekhyun nods, trying to suppress the little smirk he can feel at the corner of his lips, “Fun.” he promises.

 

 

“Who skinny dips in the middle of winter, Baekhyun?” Chanyeol hisses. Baekhyun raises an amused brow.

“Why? You’re scared?”

“N-No, obviously not.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Baekhyun says as he begins to remove his pants. Chanyeol blushes hard and covers his eyes with both hands. Childish.

“It’s just that - it’s winter. And, and we’re trespassing on private property.”

Baekhyun folds his pants neatly and begins to pull his shirt from the back, but not before casting a weird glance in Chanyeol’s direction.

“Chanyeol, we basically trespass everyday that we go back to sleep on that bed.”

“Yeah, but that’s different. This is..” Chanyeol explains unsurely, trailing off at the end when he realises that he doesn’t actually know what’s so different about trespassing this time. He’s so flustered that it makes Baekhyun want to pinch and pull his cheeks, but he doesn’t, because no, just no.

“Come on, Yeol.” Baekhyun laughs as he pulls his shirt off and starts peeling his boxers off, “Both you and I know that is bullshit. We don’t feel the cold. Plus, if it’s about you being shy about your body, just remember that whatever you have down there, I have it too.”

Chanyeol looks away when Baekhyun strips naked, folding his clothes in a neat pile before running and somersaulting gracelessly into the pool. There is no splash when he enters the water, nor is there any assaulting cold. There is however water resistance, which Baekhyun is grateful for. He didn’t really think about what would happen if he dived in and hit his head against the floor.

Baekhyun surfaces after a few seconds of kicking around in the pool. Pushing his wet hair aside, he hollers at Chanyeol still standing awkwardly at the side.

“Come _on_ , Chanyeol. Don’t be a spoilsport.”

Chanyeol presses his lips in a very thin line before he mutters, “Fuck it.” and begins shucking off his clothes. Baekhyun laughs when Chanyeol turns around as he removes his underwear, even running backwards into the pool and landing in a mess of limbs and gurgles.

“What was that?”

“I have to protect the sanctity of my body.” Chanyeol reasons, which Baekhyun rolls his eyes so hard at. He kicks Chanyeol’s legs under the water. Chanyeol retaliates in the same way, which leads to them kicking and pulling each other under the water, laughing at each other when the other person loses his balance.

“You’re such a piece of shit, Byun Baekhyun. If only the owner of this very nice house knew that the both of us were fucking around in his pool in our birthday suits.”

“At least we’re not fucking in his pool.” Baekhyun snorts. Chanyeol stares at Baekhyun, all weird and slightly disturbed. “What? I’m _kidding_ , Chanyeol.” he laughs loudly. What? He can appreciate his own joke. Chanyeol only continues to stare at him, and now Baekhyun is seriously wondering why Chanyeol isn’t laughing along. “You actually think the water is clean? I’m willing to bet that everyone that has ever swam in this pool has peed in it at least once.”

Chanyeol wrinkles his nose at the thought. “Quick question: have you ever peed in a public pool before?”

“Well, obviously, yes. Who hasn’t? It’s warm as hell in the cold water, which is kind of cool except when you feel it from the person swimming in front of you.”

“Wait a minute.” Chanyeol says after a beat, “You mean, those little bursts of warmth in the pool I felt was someone else’s pee?”

Baekhyun nods once, watching Chanyeol’s internal conflict reflect on his face.

“Ew.” Chanyeol laughs weakly, “I can’t believe I’m only finding out about this in death.”

“Better late than never.”

“Yeah, it’s almost like that chinese phrase that Yixing keeps saying to me. Something about learning being a lifetime process. I don’t remember clearly.”

Baekhyun smiles, “I’ve always wanted to visit China. I’ve always dreamt of travelling around the world.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun nods, sweeping away some hair plastered near his eyes, “I was supposed to go on a roadtrip with Jongdae after we graduated. Obviously, it never happened.”

Chanyeol’s smile wavers. “Where did you want to go?”

“I always wanted to go to some western country, rent a shitty convertible on the verge of breaking down and drive down empty roads way past the speed limit until one of our tyres puncture. And then hitch a hike. Kind of like those American horror movies about road trips, without the horror element.”

Chanyeol barks a laugh, eyes uneven and little crinkles at the side of his eyes showing. “You’re silly. That sounds exactly like what stupid people do.”

“Yeah, well, I think Jongdae would never have agreed to do things my way anyway. I’m not sure what he wanted since we never discussed this in detail, but I think Jongdae always wanted a free and easy vacation, in hotels and stuff. I think he wanted to visit Japan, go to a hot spring bath and eat ramen.” Baekhyun smiles wistfully, “So, yeah, we wanted to go on a holiday together. We didn’t plan when or where, but it was a concrete plan in our future. To just go.”

It hurts to talk about this with Chanyeol, it makes it feel so much more real. That they were going to do it, and it will always be there on their calendars, but that’s all it’ll ever be. A plan never fulfilled.

“It’s funny that people always talk about doing good in our lives, because what goes around comes around, right? I wonder if I had known back then that I would die by the hands of a mugger for some small change, would I have lived differently? Would I have helped more strangers, been kinder to my family and friends, so that maybe I could receive back some of that good karma they talk about so often?” Baekhyun shakes his head.

“It just feels like such a slap to the face that we do all these good things only to find out that it doesn’t matter in the end, because everything was going to happen that way anyway. I mean, what’s the point of living when nothing matters in the end? You don’t even leave a mark in this shit world. It’s all so fucked up. We live meaningless lives, telling ourselves that one day we’ll do something that makes a difference. And we keep telling ourselves that so we don’t actually have to do anything now, and then we’re dead. Just,” Baekhyun snaps his finger, the sharp sound cutting the tense silence, “like that, we’re dead. We don’t get to do anything that matters anymore. And the only ones who remember that we ever existed will die one day, then who will even know that you lived? Who will remember that, ah, there was a Byun Baekhyun who lived a good life as a college student, aspiring to do something great in his life? Can we even say we existed if no one knows of us anymore?”

Baekhyun rubs his face tiredly.

“I wondered why my family chose to bury my body instead of cremating it, but you know, I’m glad they did it. At least when people dig up my bones in the future, it’ll be like a piece of evidence that I was once alive. Not quite permanent, but then again, hasn’t death taught me enough about the impermanence of life?” he chuckles derisively.

It takes a moment before Chanyeol straightens his back.

“I don’t think it’s about making a big mark in the world, you know.”

“Then what is it about?”

“I mean, many people have made their marks in the world, made their impacts last for decades and centuries. Not all for good reasons.” Chanyeol shrugs, “I think that as long as you did something good for someone in your lifetime, and it helped them in some way - doesn’t have to be a big thing you know? A kind gesture in someone’s trough could impact them so much more than big actions when they’re well off. I don’t think life is always about doing something permanent. It’s about making the most with what little you have. So what if the rest of the world doesn’t know who you are? You changed someone’s world, isn’t that more than enough proof that you ever existed?”

Baekhyun falls silent.

“Tell me this Baekhyun: now that you know that you would have died like that, would you go back and take back all the good deeds that you did in your life?”

Baekhyun almost feels offended. “No, what kind of question is that?”

“Exactly. You wouldn’t. Which is why it doesn’t matter how your life will end, it’s not the length of it that matters, it’s the breadth and depth that does.” Chanyeol moves to the edge of the pool, leaning back against the wall, “A bad end leaves a bitter taste, but it doesn’t make the journey any less worthwhile.”

“Wow, really got that off your chest, huh?”

“I just hate when people talk about their lives being fated like it’s a bad thing, because it’s not.”

“Huh, so much talk about fate. I take it that you believe in fate and love at first sight? Soulmates and stuff like that.”

Chanyeol tenses, “You can say that.”

“You know, I never fell in love before. I’ve liked people, yeah, but never in love with them. It makes me wonder if I have a soulmate.”

“Of course you do.” Chanyeol says quickly, eyebrows drawing together.

“But I’m dead now. Even if I have a soulmate, I don’t think I would ever meet that person. Unless, he or she is dead, which I highly doubt so. Or, you know, what if you never got to be with your soulmate even though you’ve already met them? Or what if, you die early and never had the chance to be with them?” Baekhyun presses on, the thoughts flooding into him. He’s never been one to believe in love at first sight, or believe in fate, but all of a sudden these thoughts that had never once been a consideration to Baekhyun now sounded appealing. He chalks it up to being lonely in the afterlife.

Chanyeol looks down, wiggling his toes under the water and watching the distorted mirage from the surface of the water. “That’s kind of sad, don’t you think?”

“What is?”

“If you die early and spend your life waiting for your soulmate in the afterlife. That’s kind of sad isn’t it?”

Baekhyun ponders on it momentarily, “I guess so. But it’ll be worth it wouldn’t it? You’d finally be united with the one you’re meant to be with?”

Chanyeol nods. It’s such a small action that Baekhyun would have missed it if he weren’t looking.

“Well, what if it’s the reverse? What if you met your soulmate and then died, so that you only got to spend a short period of time with them?”

“Well, a short time together is better than nothing. I guess.”

“But isn’t it tragic? You spend just enough time to get to know each other, to fall in love, and then the other person dies?”

“I still think that it’s better to know and have spent time together, being happy than not to meet them at all. You’d just be left wondering if you ever had a soulmate for your entire life, you know?”

“But what if they leave you after you’ve met? What would you do if your soulmate decided to leave you one day?”

He can’t be sure, but it suddenly feels like Chanyeol is no longer asking general questions. It felt too personal, too specific. It feels like walking on eggshells.

“Why would they leave me, if they loved me?” Baekhyun asks quietly.

Then the air between them freezes over, both of them unable to move or say anything to cut the tension. For reasons unknown, Baekhyun feels like he just crossed the unspoken line that he didn’t even know existed until just now when Chanyeol clenches his teeth and tears his gaze away from Baekhyun.

Baekhyun opens his mouth, closes it, then opens it again, ready to apologise. But before the words are out of his mouth, Chanyeol is already climbing out of the pool, back turned towards Baekhyun as he starts dressing again.

“It’s getting late, we should go.” he says, looking over his shoulders. It’s an end to their conversation, Chanyeol wasn’t going to entertain him anymore. I’m sorry, I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry. The words are at the tip of his tongue. Instead, Baekhyun swallows it and nods behind Chanyeol, pushing himself out of the pool.

 

 

The lights are off in the store, enveloping the entire place in darkness. The only lights are where the little exit signs were, the neon green lights reflecting off the glass of the entrance. The bed is as new as ever, but it’s becoming too familiar and too easy for Baekhyun to slide back into his sleeping position.

Tonight, the only difference is that instead of facing away from each other, Baekhyun is watching the small of Chanyeol’s back. For such a big guy, when Chanyeol curls into a fetal position, he looks every bit as small as a sleeping toddler. It wakes a protective side of Baekhyun, yearning to take care of him.

Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol isn’t asleep yet because he isn’t snoring, and he hasn’t kicked Baekhyun in his sleep yet. Chanyeol must also know that Baekhyun hasn’t fallen asleep yet, because Chanyeol has told him numerous times about these moaning sounds that Baekhyun makes right at the cusp of falling asleep. It’s weird to think about himself making moaning sounds, but it must be weirder to hear them from the guy sharing the same bed as you. Platonically.

Baekhyun’s eyelids are growing heavier, but he has to say it; he knows that if he doesn’t, Chanyeol will disappear for the ninth time when he wakes up.

“Hey, Chanyeol?”

“Mmm?”

“Please wake me up before you leave tomorrow.” Baekhyun trails off, worrying his lip between his teeth before adding, “Don’t leave me behind again.” he pleads in a small voice.

The air between them becomes charged and for a brief moment, and Baekhyun worries that he might have said something wrong. Then slowly, as if time had slowed down and paused, Chanyeol turns around so he can get a look at Baekhyun. With the limited light provided from the nearby exit sign, Baekhyun can the look on Chanyeol’s face, and it’s with so much tenderness and endearment that forces Baekhyun to break the eye contact. It couldn’t be directed at him, it couldn’t be for him.

Chanyeol looks down where Baekhyun’s fingers were between their pillows.

“Okay.” he says simply.

Baekhyun glances up uncertainly, not believing his ears. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

 

“Oh Sehun.” Chanyeol reads off that crappy lined paper, “Dies in six days from a car accident.” he finishes, folding the paper back and sliding it in his pocket. Chanyeol takes a look at Baekhyun, slightly worried by the lack of response he was getting.

Baekhyun says nothing as they watch Sehun cross the carpark, taking long strides with those long legs of his. Baekhyun thinks that Sehun and Chanyeol are equally tall, but Sehun’s proportions are just… more proportionate. For one, he doesn’t think that Sehun has knobby knees like Chanyeol does. For two.

“That’s a big nose he has.” Baekhyun sighs regretfully. Chanyeol scoffs.

“Would you stop mentioning the size of people’s noses already?”

Baekhyun blinks at Chanyeol’s comment, regarding him with suspicion as he says his words very slowly, observing Chanyeol’s reaction. “That was the first time I said it.”

Chanyeol stiffens, and Baekhyun can see the way Chanyeol’s eyes skirt along the area away from Baekhyun. His eye twitches a bit, not very noticeable since they were under the shadow of the pillar next to them.

“Oh. Right.” He says in that tone Baekhyun recognises as one where the topic was no longer up for discussion. Baekhyun worries his lip between his teeth, but says nothing. They turn their attention back to Sehun who easily opens his car door and slides into the driver’s seat, leaning back into the seat as he checks his phone for new messages.

“You don’t have to do this, you know. If you’re trying to prove a point - you don’t need to.”

“I’m not.” Baekhyun asserts, “I want to do this with you. I don’t want you to keep leaving me out, it’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to me.”

Chanyeol regards Baekhyun for a long moment, “You can always choose to leave. Anytime you want. Just go. I won’t blame you.”

Baekhyun always hates moments when Chanyeol gets all emotional and affectionate, so without judgement that it makes Baekhyun feel so stripped of his defenses. No matter how many times they’ve poured their hearts out to each other, Baekhyun will never know what to say or do when Chanyeol acts like this. All of a sudden, his mouth feels dry and his tongue is heavy with unspoken words of gratitude.

All Baekhyun can muster is a small, “I’ll be here with you.”

Chanyeol doesn’t answer him. A hush falls over them as they watch Sehun pull out of the carpark; not uneasy, but not completely at peace either.

 

It takes exactly 7 seconds for the car to skid across the road after overturning.

First came the collision, the loud crash when a truck slid across the icy roads, past the red light and into Sehun’s car. There was a loud crunch, and a dent where the truck sent the car flying.

Second came the crash when the car lands on its back, turning and turning until it skidded across the road with sparks in its wake.

Third came the silence. It was an eerie silence, one that made the hairs on Baekhyun’s arm stand.

And finally came the weak cries.

“Help, someone,” Sehun emerges from the wreckage, stumbling around with arms swinging about discordantly, “please, call the ambulance.”

Sehun doesn’t realise that his clothes are unstained by blood, that his skin is smooth, that he walked through the wreckage without struggling out of it. He still has hope and it kills Baekhyun.

Sehun notices Chanyeol and Baekhyun standing off the road, a few metres away from him. He staggers as he walks towards them, with unshed tears in his eyes and trembling hands.

“Please, help me.” he begs. Baekhyun looks down, trying hard not to cry. Chanyeol looks sadly at Sehun before he pointedly looks back at the smashed car. Sehun continues to look at Chanyeol, furrowing his brows slightly before he follows Chanyeol’s gaze.

A bloodied arm extends out of the car.

“No. Wait. No. That -” Sehun covers his mouth as he falls on the road, scrambling back and away from the crash, “that can’t be me. I’m here. I -” he looks down at his clothes, at his hands and legs, then back to the car.

“That can’t be me? I can’t be dead?” Sehun’s voice cracks, tears rolling down his face.

Baekhyun falls to the floor and hugs Sehun tightly, and that’s all it takes for Sehun to start crying without restraints as well. Both men hug each other as they sob and grief for what was just lost.

 

 

They’re on a long bus ride out of Seoul after sending Sehun off. It’s a quiet journey in the middle of the night with only three passengers, two of which are fast asleep at the back of the bus. Baekhyun doesn’t know where it’s headed to, but somewhere else was good enough for them to board the bus.

He’s resting his head against the glass with sweat stains all over. It used to bother him when he was alive, thinking about all the dirt particles from other passengers transferred and left on the glass. Just another thing that has changed after death.

The bus travels slowly, casting the bus in semi darkness until it psses by another street lamp. Baekhyun likes the darkness, because it gives him a clearer view of the road outside. Sometimes he notices his own reflection, his face devoid of emotions. He wonders if this is how Chanyeol sees him everyday, wonders how Chanyeol can keep that energy within him when Baekhyun feels so drained and tired after just one job.

Chanyeol nudges Baekhyun lightly with his elbow, offering a shallow smile. “What are you thinking of?”

Baekhyun looks back at Chanyeol through his reflection before the bus travels under another street lamp, throwing half of their faces into a blinding yellow.

“Do I always look like this?”

“Like what?”

“Tired,” Baekhyun smiles wryly as he turns to face Chanyeol, “sad.”

Chanyeol gaze travels down the length of Baekhyun’s face, and then back up. “You used to, but not so much now of days.”

Baekhyun looks down, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Chanyeol nods once. Baekhyun keeps his gaze down, pointedly staring at their hands just inches apart. He stares at Chanyeol’s arms and the veins that run along its length, that cross each other and spread apart again. He stares at the small scar at the back of his palm and wonders what happened. He stares at Chanyeol’s hand until the urge to hold it becomes overwhelming.

Hesitantly, he reaches across the hand rest and laces his fingers with Chanyeol’s. It’s weird to see his hand engulfed by Chanyeol’s. The last time they’ve held hands was on that roller coaster they took on Chanyeol’s death day, and it showed in how stiff Chanyeol’s fingers were, not sure if he should relax or not.

Baekhyun braves a quick peek at Chanyeol, silently looking at their interlocking hands. His face is blank, and Baekhyun can’t tell what Chanyeol is thinking of. A small part of him starts to panic when he thinks that this may not be what Chanyeol wants, but then Chanyeol’s fingers start to relax and curl around his and panic washes out of Baekhyun in waves.

It’s a nice feeling to hold someone’s hand. It’s a nice feeling to hold Chanyeol’s hand.

“Does it get easier?” Baekhyun breathes out.

Chanyeol shakes his head sadly, but his grip on Baekhyun’s hand tightening ever so slightly. “But I promise that I will hold you whenever you cry, until you no longer need me anymore.”

Chanyeol slouches just enough for his head to rest on Baekhyun’s shoulders. It isn’t the most comfortable position, yet the way that Chanyeol’s eye flutter shut and how his body eventually rests its weight against Baekhyun’s makes it seem so. It’s only after Chanyeol starts snoring softly that Baekhyun rests his head on top of Chanyeol’s, staring dazedly at the passing blobs of yellow in the night sky with a warm weight in his hands.

 

 

It’s not like Baekhyun doesn’t enjoy spending his time with Chanyeol. He does. It’s just that he needs time to himself to reflect on everything that has happened, and so much has happened that part of Baekhyun can’t believe that his afterlife is more happening than his actual life.

Chanyeol, understanding as ever, left him with a short but firm hug.

“I’ll see you later.” Chanyeol said, and that was that.

Baekhyun walks around for a bit by himself, just soaking in the air around him. It’s different without Chanyeol around to make fun of stupid comments or do laugh extra loud at the lame jokes Baekhyun cracks here and there. But then again, he did ask for alone time, so he banishes all thoughts of Chanyeol and tries to recollect himself.

Without thinking of it, he finds himself en route to his grave again.

He locates his headstone and with a pang of disappointment, finds nothing there. No rotted flowers of small trinkets left for him there. Probably no one has visited him since the last time Jongdae dropped by.

He plops down next to the headstone and leans lethargically against it, letting out a drawn out sigh. Nothing much has changed around here, except that it must be warmer than the last time that he visited, since there is no ice anymore. Spring is around the corner.

He’s always loved spring the best. It’s when the cold ebbs away, it’s when leaves start to grow again, it’s when everyone starts to shed the thick layers and life seems to blossom. Jongdae always called him a sap, but Baekhyun can’t help it, he’s sentimental like that.

Baekhyun watches the woman a few feet away lay a fresh bouquet of flowers on a considerably dirtier headstone with fascination. A small part of him wonders if that would be his fate, if in the future anyone would still remember him and love him.

He doesn’t want to admit it, but he suddenly realises how Chanyeol has helped him to cope by distracting him from bad thoughts. He’s always thought that Chanyeol was just overactive but now that he’s alone voluntarily, he finally feels the difference having Chanyeol around and without. It sucked.

But in a way, Baekhyun is glad that he can finally have time to think about his situation without Chanyeol barging in every few minutes or so. Baekhyun can be stupid about some things, but he’s not oblivious, especially not to his own feelings and traitorous thoughts.

He’s sure that the way that Chanyeol’s presence went from unwelcomed to wanted means something. He’s sure that the way that they hold hands without pulling away must mean something. He’s sure that the way that they wake up with legs tangled and rancid breath blowing in each other’s faces must mean something.

God, he knows it means something to him, and he dearly hopes that it does for Chanyeol too. He just doesn’t know what this could mean for them.

Thankfully this turmoil doesn’t last long because he find Jongdae dropping a few bags in front of him before collapsing on the ground himself. Talk about being dramatic.

“Hi Baekhyun.” Jongdae says, patting the ground twice.

“I’m right here, asshole.” Baekhyun chides, rolling his eyes while suppressing his smile.

Jongdae rummages through one of the bags, pulling out a bouquet of fresh white flowers and a box of fried chicken. A box of Baekhyun’s favourite fried chicken.

“And..” Jongdae mumbles, pulling out two glasses of apple cider, “fried chicken and cider. No beer for you because it’s three in the afternoon, and I wouldn’t want you to get piss drunk in the other side. You’re already a nuisance when I’m here to care for you, who’s going to take care of you over there?”

Jongdae smiles at the headstone painfully before opening the box of fried chicken and cider. Jongdae takes a swig of cider from his bottle.

“It’s already a new year, Baekhyun. Can you believe how fast time flies when you’re not aware of it? I swear sometimes I wake up thinking about what class I can skip before I realise that I’m working full time.”

“Dumbass.” Baekhyun snickers, whacking Jongdae’s head but going through his friend’s head instead. Technically now he can say that he’s been in Jongdae and he doesn’t know how go feel about it.

“Things have changed since I last visited.” Jongdae says excitedly, not caring that if anyone were to walk by they would only see him talking to himself. “You know that guy I told you about? The one I asked out? Well, he asked me if I wanted to be his boyfriend. Like officially. So now we’ve been boyfriends for like a month? It’s great. I come back and sometimes he’s cooking dinner for me, and other times I pop by his shop for coffee breaks as usual.” Jongdae chuckles, “It’s exactly everything we’ve been doing, but with more cuddling in between. It’s funny how love finds you when you’re not looking for it. You would have loved Minseok, too, Baekhyunnie. You would.”

Jongdae tilts his head back, taking a long sip of cider.

“Life hasn’t gotten much easier since you left, Baek. On Sunday mornings, when I sing Sunday Morning, I still feel like I could turn around and find you sitting with me in that shitty Audi I rented, inserting a ‘that’s right, man’ or ‘woo, man’ where it doesn’t even fit the tune.” Jongdae laughs, but it’s slightly choked and his eyes are glistening from the tears he’s holding back, nose and cheeks reddening but not because it’s cold.

“I still feel like if I look hard enough, I will see you waving to me from the bus when it’s driving away, and you will keep doing those stupidly cheesy finger hearts until I was out of your sight. Sometimes when I wake up, I still expect to find your weird 3AM thoughts.” Jongdae rubs his eyes quickly, sniffling, “Do you remember that one time that you told me that our cousins have cousins, and our cousins’ cousins have cousins? And that everyone alive was a big family?”

“Yeah, I do.” Baekhyun whispers tightly.

“Do you remember what I told you?”

“You told me to shut the hell up.”

“I told you to shut up, because you were always crazier in the early mornings. You were always the crazier one between us. Your emotions were either 0 or 10, and none in between. That’s why you - I always had to look out for you. Make sure you don’t do anything stupid, as you always do. And now that you’re not here, who’s going to look after you, Baekhyunnie?”

Jongdae blinks once, swirling the drink in the bottle. He remains silent for a long time, eyes skirting around the area in the way he does when he’s trying to collect his emotions.

“I think that I’ll be getting my bonus in 2 months or so. And the first thought I had was: yes, now I can finally go on that graduation trip with you. And I was so excited until I realised that there wasn’t going to be a ‘you’, there’s not going to be an ‘us’. Just ‘me’. I don’t know what good going on a solo trip would do for me. But in a way, I’m already having a solo trip aren’t I? I’m here, and you’re there, wherever there is.”

Jongdae looks at the glass bottle, rubbing his thumb on the condensed droplets of water at the tip, watching it roll down, gaining speed on the way. “You were always the more adventurous one between us. Always running off before me, always itching to go somewhere new. And now that you’re there, you’re somewhere I cannot follow anymore. I don’t know. I feel so stupid because I don’t believe in ghosts, but sometimes I wished I did so that I wouldn’t feel like this goodbye would be so permanent, you know? I wished I believed in ghosts so that I can send you off properly this time, and tell you to look out for danger on your solo trip. So that you’d laugh in my face again and tell me that I’m going to die single and alone with how naggy and boring I am.”

Jongdae shakes his head sadly, sniffing softly.

“I don’t really know how I got by the last few months without you. I still forget sometimes, and those are the moments when it hurts the most.” he chuckles, “I’m just rambling now, aren’t I?”

Baekhyun smiles, “Kind of.”

“I don’t know if there’s going to be an afterlife -”

“Oh, there will be, ugh. Talk about working to death.” Baekhyun snorts.

“- but if there is one, before you drink the soup that erases your memories or whatever, or before you cross the pearly gates, just.. I hope that you’re okay. That you can finally rest.”

Jongdae’s fingers brushes against the petals of the flowers he bought today, absentmindedly stroking each and every petal.

“I don’t think I’m okay yet, but it feels like I will be. Someday. And I hope that you are okay over there. I hope you’re doing well.”

Baekhyun crawls towards his friend, leaning in just enough so it will look like they’re leaning against each other when they aren’t. But he can pretend.

“I know what you mean. Things just don’t feel the same without you here. But at least I can still see and hear you, so I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. At least I know that you’re okay, and I want you to know that I’m doing okay too. I know that I always say that I’m okay, but this time, I mean it. I’m okay, I’m happier than I’ve been in months.” Baekhyun admits with a smile forming on his face. For once, he’s not lying about being happy, because he is. He’s been happier now than he’s been in the last few months of his life, and he knows that it isn’t a coincidence. It’s not a coincidence that he’s been happy with Chanyeol. It feels like something that was always meant to happen, life taking its natural course.

“Jongdae..” Baekhyun closes his eyes, “you’ve always worried about me more than you should. Don’t worry so much anymore. I’m not alone, I met someone. He’s a bit like you, actually. A little shit in all the right ways. Just a bit taller, just a bit more embarrassing, maybe. And I thought that that was all I would ever see him as. My friend.”

His smiles wavers. Chanyeol was his friend. But he knows that’s not all that Chanyeol has been to him recently.

“But it’s like you said, love finds you when you least expect it and I - I don’t know. It may not be love yet, but it’s definitely not the same as it was months ago. I don’t know when it happened, but one night I said something and he laughed and when he smiled at me, his eyes were beautiful. God, I feel like cringing just saying this. But I think about it a lot.” Baekhyun laughs breathlessly, “It’s not love yet, probably not. I’ve never fallen in love before, Jongdae, but if I did then this was probably what it felt like. Falling in love.”

Aa Baekhyun finishes, he looks at his friend, hanging his head between his knees. He knows that everything that he just said has fallen on deaf ears, but he still sends a plea to god to let Jongdae hear his words somehow. He wants Jongdae to know that he misses him just as much, and he misses trying to embarrass Jongdae in public. He wants Jongdae to know that he’s finally, finally, finally falling in love. And he wishes that Jongdae was here to see it.

But most of all, he wants Jongdae to know that he’s okay, and shit always happens but it just happened to him this time. But he’s okay this time, and he thinks he’ll be okay from now on.

 

Baekhyun wakes up slowly because there’s something tickling his nose, and as soft as it feels it’s also poking his face and makes him want to sneeze.

“Mmph.” Baekhyun groans, pulling his face away from the source. When his eyes adjusts to the light, he finds himself face to face with a mess of hair. Chanyeol’s hair. And woah, it isn’t the first time that Baekhyun has ended up spooning the taller man, but it always surprises Baekhyun that it ends up like this.

Baekhyun small movements make Chanyeol groan a bit as he shifts, turning around in Baekhyun’s arms and nuzzling his entire face into Baekhyun’s chest.

“Sleep.” Chanyeol says, voice muffled by the fabric of Baekhyun’s shirt. His voice is husky and deeper than usual, sending chills down Baekhyun’s spine as it always does. The way that Chanyeol looks up blearily and the way that his hands touch Baekhyun’s neck will always make Baekhyun’s insides feel like mush.

They really shouldn’t. The staff should be reporting for work soon, dusting the area and getting ready for opening. They should probably get going soon. But Chanyeol’s weight grounds him, lures him back to sleep.

“Okay.” Baekhyun whispers, closing his eyes again.

When Baekhyun wakes up again, Chanyeol is out of his arms and the bed is unusually big.

“Yeol?” Baekhyun calls out. He hears Chanyeol before he sees him.

“Baek? You’re awake?”

“Yeah, I am now.” Baekhyun stretches on the bed, back arching against the soft sheets and toes curling, feeling his muscles contract until the point where it begins to tip into pain. He falls back on the mattress heavily, making soft sounds that Chanyeol claims makes him sound like a kitten.

“Blueberries or nah?” Chanyeol shouts, still nowhere to be found.

“What are you doing?”

“Making pancakes, for breakfast.”

Baekhyun fights the urge to laugh at this. He’s so stupid, why is he like this? “We can’t eat, Chanyeol. Don’t know if you remember this but,” he pauses for effect, “we’re dead.”

“Cute. Is this how you get guys to stay?”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes as he burrows into the covers. “Shut up, Chanyeol.”

“Still, Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Do you eat your pancakes with blueberries?”

“No blueberries. They make pancakes look half rotten.”

Chanyeol cackles. “You’re so picky. I don’t think you’re in any position to judge others about being rotten, though.”

Baekhyun snorts into the covers, opting to close his eyes and tune out the world. The next time he opens his eyes, it’s because there’s a hand rocking his shoulders gently, rousing him awake.

“Breakfast is done.” Chanyeol whispers like a child on Christmas, waking his parents. Chanyeol guides Baekhyun to the dining table with both hands on his shoulders, walking with a spring in each step. He even pulls the chair out for Baekhyun.

The first thing that Baekhyun should have noticed was the scent in the air - pine wood, air freshener and nothing like pancakes. But he doesn’t, because Chanyeol slides into the seat across him and flashes him that brilliant smile that Baekhyun never grows used to.

Then Baekhyun looks down at the neatly set table, polished and untouched. That should’ve been the second thing Baekhyun notices.

“Bon appetit.” Chanyeol says cheerily.

Baekhyun blinks down at the empty cutlery. “What is this?”

“Pancakes with scrambled eggs and grilled tomatoes. There's orange juice in the jug, or I can make coffee for you - whichever you prefer.”

Baekhyun looks up at Chanyeol, then at the empty jug, and then back at Chanyeol before he bursts into laughter. It shouldn’t make him laugh this hard, but nothing about this wasn’t funny. Here they were sitting in a furniture store, with Chanyeol acting like he spent the morning cooking a breakfast spread in front of them, where there was nothing. It was stupid, it was so so stupid. But Baekhyun loved it.

When his laughter died down, Baekhyun sits up properly on the chair again. Chanyeol is waiting for him patiently across the table, dimpled smile on display.

“I’ll take the coffee.”

 

 

They’re watching Your Name, Baekhyun’s pick. Chanyeol played paper, and Baekhyun played scissors. Although he was the one who chose to watch that movie, Baekhyun had been the more talkative one throughout, Chanyeol silently nodding his agreement or just not acknowledging Baekhyun entirely. Baekhyun shouldn’t feel as disconcerted as he does, but he can’t help it. Chanyeol was supposed to be the confused one, not him. Yet as Baekhyun fiddles away with his clothes, Chanyeol is still. The only time that Chanyeol moves was to wipe away unshed tears.

The movie ends surprisingly quick, but neither of them make a move to leave their seats. They sit there, still facing the screen, as people begin to walk out of the cinema in small clumps.

“So.” Baekhyun says too loud, trying to break the ice, “How did you find it?”

It feels too long before Chanyeol replies, “I don’t know. I liked it, but it was sad.”

“I saw you crying.”

“Yeah.” Chanyeol admits honestly, which surprises Baekhyun. “I found it too sad for him to confess instead of writing his name.”

“Why?”

“Let’s say you don’t have a lot of time to be with your love, and you knew that by the end of your meeting you would forget what had happened. Would you choose to confess or help that person to remember your name?”

Baekhyun worries his lip between his teeth as he thinks about it, “I would choose to confess.”

“Why?” Chanyeol asks, perplexed.

“I think it’s more important to let that person know how I feel. What’s the point of remembering my name without knowing who I am? It’s meaningless.” Baekhyun shakes his head sadly. Chanyeol’s frown deepens.

“I think that I would write my name, because I would want the person to remember that they once knew me. For me, knowing I am loved by someone I don’t remember doesn’t mean anything, because that person is essentially a stranger to me.” Chanyeol watches Baekhyun with a bated breath, waiting for any disagreement, but Baekhyun says nothing. “That’s why I found it sad, the girl wouldn’t remember him, just that someone liked her.”

Baekhyun has never thought of it that way before, and although Chanyeol makes a good point, Baekhyun refuses to let the discussion die without a fight.

“But they ended up together.”

“And how hard did they have to fight their fates to get there?” Chanyeol argues, but there is no fire in his voice. He looks dejected and worn out as he speaks, Baekhyun can feel his chest constricting.

“We’ve talked about this before, and I still believe in what I said then. If they get to be together eventually then it will be worth the fight.”

“What if it’s a one-sided battle? Would it still be worth fighting for?”

Baekhyun pauses. Once again, it no longer feels like Chanyeol was referencing the movie anymore, but something bigger. Something that Baekhyun doesn’t know about.

“Yes.” Baekhyun says at last, not able to meet Chanyeol’s stare. “I think that if it means being with your soulmate, any fight is worth fighting, one-sided or not.”

The words cut through the silence momentarily, giving way to a new silence that is even more stifling than before, even more suffocating than before. Neither of them speak again for a long time, when everyone else has cleared out of the cinema and the staff are going through the rows picking up litter with tongs.

“You’re optimistic.” Chanyeol says. Baekhyun shakes his head.

“I was idealistic.”

“Same thing.”

“Nah, it’s not. You’re more optimistic than me. You taught me to take death in a more positive way.”

There’s a ghost of a smile on Chanyeol’s lips, “I try my best.”

“Do you ever miss being alive?”

Chanyeol hums as he cocks his head to the side in thought, “I miss being able to eat, maybe take a shit as well.”

Baekhyun laughs.

“I miss being able to feel the weather. I’ve long forgotten how that feels like. I just mimic what I see people do: shiver, wipe off their sweat, you know. And I pretend like I feel them too when I don’t.”

“I miss that too. I miss being able to feel.” Baekhyun smiles regretfully, “I can’t believe I miss doing something so trivial.”

“That’s death for you.” They both laugh at that.

“But there is something that I’m grateful for.” Baekhyun says softly after a beat.

“What?” Chanyeol looks curious now, with a tiny frown and a line between his brows. Baekhyun can’t feel the physical symptoms of being nervous; his palms doesn’t sweat, his heart rate doesn’t spike, but he can feel his thoughts running through his mind with different scenarios of what could happen if Chanyeol reacts badly to what he wants to do. It makes him scared and hesitant.

But fuck it, he’s already dead. What’s the worst that could happen to him now?

Baekhyun grasps Chanyeol’s hand gingerly in his, which is weird because of how much larger Chanyeol’s palm is compared to his. But he locks their fingers together and tries to ignore how his hand is trembling. “This.”

Chanyeol’s eyes stay locked on their intertwined hands for a long time with an unreadable expression, before there’s a small smile that forms on his face. It’s not the usual smile that Chanyeol always wears, not big and loud, but small and private.

Chanyeol squeezes Baekhyun’s hand, and Baekhyun swears that he can feel his stomach somersaulting.

“Yeah, me too.” Chanyeol says, voice just above a breath.

 

 

Baekhyun can think of a few places he’d rather be after emerging from a room that stunk of alcohol and smoke, and sitting outside the ladies isn’t one of them.

“So tell me again why we are camping out here?” Baekhyun asks. Chanyeol rolls his head against the wall until Baekhyun appears in his peripheral view.

“Because we love to hear melodic toilet flushes. Have you ever heard a flush that smooth?”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes and reaches out to pinch on of Chanyeol’s ear, earning a loud cry from the taller man bending towards Baekhyun.

“Ah, ah, Baekhyunnie, that’s painful.” Chanyeol whines, slapping Baekhyun’s hand and rubbing his reddening ears tenderly. Baekhyun huffs.

“Stop talking shit, Chanyeol. With the amount of shit you spurt from your mouth I’m surprised that you’re not the one making those flushing sounds, or maybe it’s choked with the amount of shit there is.” Baekhyun quips before ducking his head, narrowly missing Chanyeol’s hand.

“Wow, harsh.”

“Really, though, what are we waiting for?”

There’s sounds of loud retching from the ladies, making the both of them flinch.

“Well, I just want to make sure that those girls get back to their rooms safely. It’s quite late now and they’ve all drank quite a bit.”

“You speak as though you’ve seen something before.” Baekhyun goads.

“I have, yeah. Think it was ten odd years ago when I found a girl passed out outside her room - or at least, I assumed it was her room. There were 2 guys who passed by and they didn’t look like they had very good intentions, so I kept running through them. And you know, the corridors have no window or open windows, so a sudden drift scared the hell out of them.”

“Shit, did that work?”

Chanyeol grins proudly, “It did. I stayed the night just to make sure she was safe until her friends came by the next day and took care of her.”

“My hero,” Baekhyun fake swoons, clasping his hands together and leaning his cheek against it. Chanyeol nudges Baekhyun’s knee with his own.

“I don’t like to see bad things happen when I know that I can prevent it. If I can help, even if it’s just one person or an animal, I’d do it.”

Baekhyun doesn’t reply to that. He looks at the way that Chanyeol speaks, with so much determination and passion, that it makes Baekhyun’s chest ache with an unknown feeling. Chanyeol’s heart is so pure, Baekhyun thinks. Unconsciously, Baekhyun lifts his hand to pat down Chanyeol’s hair.

“You’re a good guy.” Baekhyun says softly, just above a breath.

Chanyeol falls silent at the words, the smile on his face disappearing and replaced by slight confusion. They hold eye contact for a few quiet moments before another round of retching and muffled screaming comes from the bathroom, breaking the moment between them.

“I guess this is why I died young.” Chanyeol jokes, although his laughter sounds forced, “They say that the good always go first.”

Which reminds Baekhyun - he’s always wanted to ask Chanyeol about his death, but he’s never had the chance to. Now that the opportunity has presented itself to him, Baekhyun doesn’t intend to let it slip by. But he needs to be sensitive about it. He doesn’t want to upset Chanyeol.

“Hey, Yeol?” Chanyeol makes a noise of acknowledgement, so Baekhyun presses on, “Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer it if you’re not comfortable, I just.. I’m curious.”

Chanyeol sits up straight now, looking rather bemused. “You’re not going to ask about my current sex life, right? I mean cause - it doesn’t exist.”

“No,” Baekhyun draws the word, “I wanted to, um, ask you about how you died.”

“Oh.”

“But like I said, you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to.” Baekhyun says quickly. Chanyeol shakes his head with a resigned smile.

“No, it’s okay. It happened so long ago that I’ve long accepted and moved on already.” Baekhyun nods his head, quietly encouraging Chanyeol to continue. Chanyeol breathes out, his smile growing downcast. “I had a celebration for my first job promotion, and I had drank more than I could take that night. I made it home and I passed out on my bed. I was dead to the world. And then when I woke up, I found myself engulfed in a sea of flames.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be. Like I said, it happened so long ago that sometimes when I talk about it, it feels like it happened to someone else instead.”

“Did you find out how the fire started?”

Chanyeol hums contemplatively, “I did. Someone on the lower floors was cooking and somehow, things got out of hand. Back then, I stayed in one of those cheap flats with cluttered corridors, and I guess the fire spread too quickly.”

“You must have been devastated. Your job promotion..”

“I was. I cried for months. I was much worse than you when I first arrived here, I kept running off, couldn’t keep my emotions in check.” Chanyeol draws his knees to his chest, resting his chin on them. “I followed my family, I watched them cry which made me cry as well. I saw my friends trying to move on, and I cried. I cried at almost everything, which is why I can understand how you felt when you first died.” Chanyeol leans his cheek on his knee so he can smile up at Baekhyun.

“Your mentor must have been a very patient and understanding person.”

“He was.” Chanyeol agrees, looking back at the wall in front of him.

There is no more loud or sudden sounds from the toilet anymore, but the flushing system is on a roll.

“Can I ask you something else? You don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to.”

“What is it?”

“Was there anyone special to you during the last 27 years?”

“Special?” Chanyeol repeats.

“Someone you fancied, someone you can’t forget.”

Chanyeol’s smile wavers, “What is this for?”

“I don’t know, curiosity?”

Chanyeol forces himself to laugh, the sound is surprisingly bitter and painful to listen to. “27 years is a long time to be around.”

_Yes._

Baekhyun feels his chest constrict. He pushes himself up against the wall in an attempt to keep his breathing steady.

“Was it your mentor?”

The shock on Chanyeol’s face is enough of an answer for Baekhyun. Chanyeol’s eyes dart between Baekhyun and the floor, licking his lips nervously as if weighing his options if he should pursue the subject. But in the end he clenches his teeth together, opting to remain quiet. Baekhyun takes this as a sign to continue, even if he doesn’t feel like asking anymore questions, he has to know.

“Were you in love him?” Baekhyun’s voice cracks in the middle, his heart lodged in his throat. Chanyeol stills, not able to look in Baekhyun’s direction. Instead, Chanyeol hides his face in the space between his chest and his knees, and it is enough of an answer for Baekhyun.

“I was.” Chanyeol admits at last. His voice is so quiet that Baekhyun would have missed it if he wasn’t listening out for it. Baekhyun closes his eyes, trying to ignore the sharp sting in his chest that hurt so much more than the stabs he received the day he died. Baekhyun doesn’t want to ask anymore questions, but he needs to know something.

“Do you still love him?”

It takes awhile before Chanyeol nods. Baekhyun turns away.

“But he left.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“How can it not matter when he’s the one who left you alone?” when Chanyeol stays stoic, Baekhyun can’t stop the next words from falling out, “He hurt you, didn’t he?”

Baekhyun doesn’t know why he’s asking this, he doesn’t want to know why it matters to Chanyeol so much that he’s still desperately clinging onto memories of a faded man decades after it happened. He doesn’t want to listen to reasons why Chanyeol loves someone else who isn’t there when Baekhyun is right here. He doesn’t want to listen to why someone else who hurt Chanyeol is still more important than Baekhyun will ever be to him.

Truthfully, Baekhyun regrets his words. Chanyeol can probably tell, Chanyeol always seems to understand Baekhyun more than himself sometimes.

The silence is cut only by the flushing sound and sporadic retching sounds from the toilet. Baekhyun never knew how uncomfortable silence from Chanyeol could be until now. Baekhyun keeps his eyes trained downward, unable to look anywhere in Chanyeol’s general direction.

After what feels like an eternity, Chanyeol begins to speak in a carefully disconnected way.

“I met him after I died, but it felt so much more than any relationship I had while I was alive.” he takes a long pause, “It was one of those things that I knew would come to be the biggest part of my life.” Chanyeol says in a whisper, looking awfully detached for someone talking about something so private and personal, “I confessed, he accepted, but we never told anyone else about it, although I don’t doubt that other people knew about us. We didn’t want to be subjected to the criticism and scrutiny of outsiders. We’re dead, but the dead carry their prejudices over. Who would accept the love shared between 2 men?”

Baekhyun nods weakly, his throat goes dry.

“And I always thought that love would conquer all. If you loved someone enough, that should be enough for you to weather through the stormiest of storms. And I loved him as much as I could, with every fibre of my body, but I found out the hard way that sometimes love is simply not enough.”

“I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol shakes his head, sniffing a little. “I knew that he loved me, and he knew that I loved him. I never doubted that, not even when he bid me goodbye and left me without any news. I learned after 24 years that his greatest act of love was in letting me go. The time I spent with him was the best time of my life, which made the time spent without him the most unbearable as well. It’s like coming down from that high and realising that nothing would ever get you there anymore. And this makes me believe that sometimes not having a beginning is easier - is better - than having an ending. I wish I knew that earlier.”

Baekhyun knows what to say in most situations, he knows how to read the mood and adapt. It’s always been something he does well. But sitting here next to Chanyeol and listening to the feelings Chanyeol had tried to bury for so many years to no avail makes Baekhyun feel useless. He doesn’t know what to say to make Chanyeol okay again, when Chanyeol is hurting for someone else. Chanyeol would be happy to be with that person, and that would make Baekhyun happy, but it would also hurt so much to see that the person who gives Chanyeol happiness and joy is not him.

Baekhyun inches closer to Chanyeol, close enough to rest his head on Chanyeol’s shoulders. Chanyeol glances down, slightly surprised, but he doesn’t move away. Instead, Chanyeol laces their fingers together, resting his head on top of Baekhyun’s. They stay that way for the rest of the night, finding solace in each other’s presence. Baekhyun knows that this time, it is his touch that Chanyeol might not want, but he wishes that Chanyeol could pretend that it was anyway.

 

 

As Baekhyun watches a car drive out of the driveway, there are little droplets of rain still pelting against the window, racing each other to the end. Visiting hours are about to end.

“You should go back, Jongin, you’ve been here the whole day. You must be tired.”

Baekhyun turns back and glances over at Chanyeol, seated opposite the hospital bed on a hard plastic chair that rocks on one side. It’s impossible to know what Chanyeol is thinking at this moment. As with all the other times, Chanyeol’s face is carefully wiped of any expression. He looks both attentive and distracted at the same time, bored and interested, and Baekhyun wonders what he’s thinking of that would make him like this.

“I’m not tired, just a little bit hungry. Wish I could eat your spaghetti, Soo.” Jongin protests weakly, rubbing his eyes.

_“Do Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol says after he unfolds the ragged paper. “56 years old.”_

Kyungsoo laughs weakly, beckoning Jongin closer to him with small wave of his shaky hand. Jongin closes in, leaning his head gently on Kyungsoo’s chest, carefully avoiding all the tubes and needles hooked up onto Kyungsoo.

“I wish I could cook for you too.” he rasps.

_“Dies from pancreatic cancer tonight.”_

Baekhyun closes his eyes, taking in a deep breath to compose himself before he opens them again.

Jongin hums in reply, closing his eyes. “Are you cold?”

“Slightly, I suspect that they might have cranked up the air conditioner.”

“If you scoot over, I can be your hot water bottle tonight.”

“You’re already on top of half of me.”

Jongin looks down and blinks. “Oh, but I could be on top of all of you.” he teases, winking at Kyungsoo before expertly dodging Kyungsoo’s hand.

Kyungsoo fixes Jongin a stern look, “No. Besides, visiting hours are ending. I know you’re tired, I can see you suppressing your yawns”

“You can?”

“I’m sick, Jongin, not blind.”

“Then you wouldn’t mind if I take a short nap here before driving home, right? Wouldn’t want me to drive home when I’m half asleep?”

Kyungsoo sighs resignedly. “Sleep well, Jongin.” he whispers.

Jongin smiles up at Kyungsoo lazily with eyes half lidded before he rests his head on top of Kyungsoo’s chest, focusing on the weak lub-dubs that he loved so much.

“I love you, Soo.” Jongin whispers softly, eyes fluttering shut. His breathing evens out minutes later and his body falls pliant on top of Kyungsoo’s thin one. Baekhyun wonders if the weight hurts Kyungsoo, but when Kyungsoo smiles down at Jongin and kisses the crown of his head so tenderly, he knows that Kyungsoo doesn’t care if it hurts if it meant holding Jongin closer to him.

Kyungsoo threads his hand through Jongin’s hair with unsteady hands, careful not to pull on the needle in the back of his palm. It’s the first time that night that Baekhyun notices the ring on Kyungsoo’s left hand. It’s a simple ring without diamonds or delicate designs, just a band of silver with many scratches all over it, a sign of years of wear.

Minutes pass like this, with the sound of the drizzle outside and constant beeping of the machines filling the silence of the room. Chanyeol hasn’t moved from his position on the chair, and Baekhyun makes no move to disturb him.

Soon, Kyungsoo’s movement begin to slow, his eyelids growing heavier and heavier. Finally, Baekhyun can see the weight of the world on his frail shoulders. The way that Kyungsoo looks at Jongin as if memorising every inch of him, the way that Kyungsoo’s last smile is drawn with difficulty but happiness. The tears that gather in his eyes as he places one more kiss on Jongin’s head before he lets his eyes close for good. There is so much regret in them, yet there is so much unadulterated love and happiness that Baekhyun has to look away. It’s too intimate. It’s not meant for others to see.

And as Kyungsoo appears standing next to the hospital bed, slightly translucent this time, Baekhyun feels his heart break just a little bit.

“Am I dead?” Kyungsoo asks with no hesitation. His voice is clear and firm even when he’s speaking softly, his body has gained back muscle, his skin is taut and his hair has grown again, neatly combed to the side. Gone was the decrepit man on the bed, Kyungsoo is young again in death.

Baekhyun opens his mouth, rolling his lower lip between his teeth before biting the bullet. “I’m sorry.”

“What happens from here? Do I follow you?”

Baekhyun feels tears prickle his eyes, but he doesn’t cry this time. “Yes.”

Kyungsoo nods once before he looks back at Jongin, sleeping peacefully on his chest. “It’ll be awhile before I see you again, but I promise that when you embark on this final journey, I will be there to fetch you.”

Kyungsoo tries to touch Jongin’s face, but it goes through instead. Jongin shudders in his sleep, mumbling a string of incoherent words. Kyungsoo takes one last look at Jongin before padding across to Baekhyun quietly.

The machine rings loudly, breaking the silence of the hospital room. Do Kyungsoo has died.

 

“You were so out of it just now. What were you thinking of?”

Chanyeol doesn’t look at Baekhyun, he keeps looking at the cat purring at their feet. Chanyeol’s hand hovers just above the cat’s back, close enough to touch.

“It’s sad to part with someone you love dearly.”

Baekhyun blinks, “Of course it is. But that isn’t all there is to it, is it?” At Chanyeol’s muted answer, Baekhyun presses on, “You were thinking of something else, and it’s still bothering you, I can see it on your face. What is it?”

Chanyeol pulls his hand back, tugs it in between his thighs and chest. He looks at Baekhyun with a troubled expression, worry clouding in his eyes. “Weren’t you sad by what you saw, Baekhyun?”

“Of course I was.”

“But you didn’t cry.”

Baekhyun reels back, mirroring the frown on Chanyeol’s face. “What’s this all about? I don’t have to cry to show that I’m sad. Was I sad that someone died? Yes. I just didn’t want to show it in front of someone who is already emotionally vulnerable. Didn’t you tell this to me before?”

Chanyeol nods, tearing his gaze away as he does. The cat purrs again, as if complaining about the lack of attention it was receiving. Baekhyun strokes its back distractedly, hand passing through its body in repeated cycles. It’s frustrating how cryptic Chanyeol was being, and as much as Baekhyun wanted to coax the answer out of him, he had a feeling that Chanyeol would open up about it when he found the words. But still, the wait was unbearable.

“Do you think it’s easier to say goodbye, or to leave without a word?”

Baekhyun startles, stopping all motions and focusing solely on Chanyeol. Chanyeol is still facing away from Baekhyun, looking rather solemn.

“I think.” Baekhyun pauses to lick his lips, “I think it’s always more painful to leave without a proper goodbye.”

“Why?”

“Because there’s always going to be an ‘and’, and the other person could wait their whole life for that ‘end’, not knowing that it will never come. Don’t you think that everyone deserves to have some form of closure? That’s why people have funeral for the dead, isn’t it? It’s not for the dead, it’s for the living to find peace.”

“You have a point, but I still think that having to say goodbye is more painful. If you knew that it would be your last meeting, what words would you say to bring comfort to the other party? It takes courage to do that, and I don’t think that I have that kind of strength.” Chanyeol says, forcing a laugh at the end that comes out bitter and cold and everything that is not like Chanyeol. Baekhyun tilts his head in confusion.

“Is this about what happened just now? When Kyungsoo kissed Jongin before we sent him off to Junmyeon?” Baekhyun asks quietly. He knows that he’s treading on thin ice, and he can feel the hurt resurfacing, but the words come out like verbal vomit, and he can’t bring himself to stop. “Did it remind you of the person you loved?”

Chanyeol looks up at Baekhyun from between his bangs, eyes wet. Baekhyun takes a hard breath, looking away and blinking back the quickly forming tears. It hurts to know that there will always be someone else at the forefront of Chanyeol’s mind.

“Did he mean that much to you that you can’t let go of him even until now?” Baekhyun asks without asking, his voice cracking in the middle. God, how can he even bring himself to ask this, already knowing the answer he will get? “Did he mean that much to you that you keep prolonging your pain, thinking about what could have been if he had never up and left. Do you - are you still that much in love with him?”

Chanyeol looks down shamefully. He clenches his fist and inhales deeply before looking up to face Baekhyun, some tears already sliding down his face. Chanyeol’s lips part, and Baekhyun sees it in slow motion. Like he sees the individual tears slide down in jagged paths, like he sees the way the light from the streetlamp flicker, casting them into partial darkness.

Chanyeol doesn’t see Baekhyun. Chanyeol doesn’t want Baekhyun. He’s been waiting for someone else all along. Someone that came before Baekhyun, kept his heart and never returned it.

And then something in Baekhyun snaps.

Baekhyun grabs Chanyeol’s shoulders roughly, pulling Chanyeol towards him and smashing their lips together. It’s painful when their lips collide, teeth clashing and noses bumping. Chanyeol’s eyes are wide open, and Baekhyun can see a glimpse of fear and panic on his face. But he shuts his eyes and presses his lips against Chanyeol’s harder, hoping that by some chance Chanyeol would feel something for him, something genuine and close to love.

It’s harsh and ill-fitting. It’s hopeless.

Baekhyun begins to pull away when Chanyeol cups Baekhyun’s cheek and tilts his face, pressing his lips against Baekhyun’s. And then everything falls into place. It’s everything that Baekhyun never knew he wanted until now, and he doesn’t know why he didn’t do this earlier.

But then Chanyeol plants his hands against Baekhyun’s chest and shoves him away, and the illusion breaks.

Baekhyun falls down on his elbow, staring at Chanyeol in confusion and shock. Chanyeol faces away from Baekhyun, fingers touching his lips delicately.

As what happened begins to take root in Baekhyun’s mind, pain bleeds into his system. Chanyeol had pushed him away, Chanyeol rejected him. But still, now that the cat was out of the bag, there was nothing else that he could lose.

“Chanyeol..” Baekhyun says softly. “I -”

“Please don’t say it.” Chanyeol begs lifelessly.

Baekhyun closes his mouth, willing himself not to cry.

A long time passes before Chanyeol starts to get up, still not facing Baekhyun. “Let’s just go back.” he says, already walking off without waiting for Baekhyun.

As Baekhyun watches Chanyeol’s retreating back grow smaller and smaller, something in his heart shatters, and finally, finally, he cries.

 

Chanyeol has been avoiding him, Baekhyun can tell. The man doesn’t speak to him as much anymore, opting to keep silent until he needed to address Baekhyun directly. Chanyeol couldn’t even so much as look Baekhyun in the eye anymore, always looking at the floor or at passersby. It ticked Baekhyun off, got under his nerves. Chanyeol clearly had a problem with what happened the other night but was refusing to confront Baekhyun about it. Why? Was he burdened by what Baekhyun had done? Was he ashamed of Baekhyun?

Once again, Baekhyun was trailing after Chanyeol. It’s a sunny summer noon, people all around were laughing together, big bright smiles out under the blue cloudless sky. Yet, Chanyeol is avoiding Baekhyun again, and Baekhyun is taking it. It shouldn’t have to be like this. They shouldn’t have to pretend like everything was normal, like nothing had happened.

“Chanyeol.” Baekhyun calls weakly. Chanyeol doesn’t turn around. “Chanyeol.” He tries again, louder and firmer, but Chanyeol still keeps walking forward. Always a few steps ahead.

Baekhyun widens his strides, reaching out to pull Chanyeol’s hand through the ridiculously long sleeves of Chanyeol’s gray hoodie. Chanyeol looks over his shoulder and recoils away from Baekhyun, like just the mere touch burnt him. Baekhyun takes a step back, slightly hurt.

“I called you.” Baekhyun mutters, hurt seeping into his voice. There’s a flash of guilt on Chanyeol’s face.

“I didn’t - didn’t hear you. I’m sorry.” Chanyeol looks down, shuffling his feet nervously, “What is it?”

“Please stop doing this.”

“Doing what?”

“This.” Baekhyun gestures at the space between them, small but an insurmountable distance that he could not cross. “Avoiding me.”

“I’m not avoiding you.” Chanyeol disagrees with a warning tone, looking warily at Baekhyun. Baekhyun furrows his brows, making Chanyeol repeat himself. “I’m not.”

“You don’t want to talk to me, you don’t want to be with me, you don’t even want to see me.” Baekhyun folds his arms to his chest, “I fucked up, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you like that, without asking if it was okay, because it clearly wasn’t okay with you. I’m really, really sorry, Chanyeol. You can lie to me that you’re not avoiding me, but please tell me the truth.”

“What truth?”

“You felt something too, didn’t you? That’s why you -” Baekhyun bites his lip, “that’s why you kissed me back. That night. You kissed me back before you pushed me away.”

“Baekhyun..” It’s there, that voice he uses when he doesn’t want to talk about something with Baekhyun. But Baekhyun won’t let this be buried anymore. He can’t keep pretending like everything was okay when he was crumbling inside. He can’t keep avoiding topics just because Chanyeol doesn’t want to acknowledge it.

“No. Stop it, Chanyeol. Shut your mouth.” He says curtly. Chanyeol looks taken aback by the hostility, mouth frozen in shock. “Stop trying to bury this conversation. We’ve been dancing around this long enough, and every time that you decide not to talk about it, I respected your decision. But I think it’s time that you respect my feelings, too.”

“I wasn’t trying to disrespect your feelings.”

“Then why wouldn’t you even let me confess? Why are you still trying to act like I didn’t kiss you, and you didn’t kiss me back? If you love me, why would you act this way?”

“I -” Chanyeol hesitates, grating on Baekhyun’s nerves even more.

“You what, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun says, tilting his chin. He already knows what Chanyeol will say, but he needs to hear it from Chanyeol himself. He watches the way that Chanyeol fidgets, mouth opening and closing, and he can feel the tears pooling at the side of his eyes, ready to fall any moment.

“I don’t love you.” Chanyeol finally says quietly, gaze falling to the floor at the same time that Baekhyun’s tears does.

There it is. Liar. Liar. Liar.

Baekhyun runs his hand across his eyes sloppily, smudging his tears and making his vision more blurry.

“Baekhyunnie,” Chanyeol says after a beat, sounding drained, “I received news last week that you got promoted, congrats.” There is no congratulatory tone in his voice, only guilt and sadness. But that isn’t what makes Baekhyun angry. He can take it if Chanyeol doesn’t want him the way he wants Chanyeol. He can handle rejection. But was this what it was for Chanyeol? Was this all he was? A student? Someone to be guided?

“How - how dare you..” Baekhyun spits out after a pregnant pause, “How dare you look at me like that? How dare you say this to me, like this was all it was to you? How dare you _lie_ to me like this?”

Chanyeol takes a shaky step away from Baekhyun, but Baekhyun crosses the distances and pushes his finger against Chanyeol’s chest. Baekhyun is holding eye contact with tears still spilling, but he no longer cares how he looks to Chanyeol anymore. Whether he looks crazy, angry or heartbroken, it no longer matters when Chanyeol is single handedly tearing his heart into bits he can’t piece together by himself.

“How dare you lie to me like this? Like as if you don’t love me? Like as if all I am to you is a student? How can you even talk about our jobs when I’m talking to you about our feelings? How can you even think of that? How can you keep lying to me like you don’t give a fuck about how I feel? How can you keep lying to yourself, like you really believe what you’re saying?” Baekhyun yells, feeling the tears pool at the corner of his eyes but willing himself not to cry.

He’s waiting for Chanyeol to say something, to explain himself. He needs Chanyeol to say something so he will know that he wasn’t alone in this. But instead Chanyeol looks away with so much anguish that Baekhyun feels his stomach churn and his chest fall.

“Say something.” Baekhyun pleads, feeling a stray tear rolling down his cheek.

“I can’t.” Chanyeol admits at last, “I never intended for things to become so complicated. I’m sorry. I can’t give you what you want.”

Baekhyun bites his tongue and closes his eyes, feeling a fresh set of tears wet his cheeks.

“I don’t love you the way that you love me.”

_No._

“I can’t bring you happiness. You’ll only be miserable if you keep following me.”

_You can’t know that._

“You don’t have to put up with me anymore. You can sleep on a bed comfortably without wrestling for space with me, you don’t have to fight to watch the movie you want to, you won’t need to follow me everywhere anymore.” Chanyeol reaches over to ruffle Baekhyun’s hair, and it makes Baekhyun open his eyes in time to see Chanyeol give him a regretful smile. Chanyeol gently closes Baekhyun’s cheek with a cold palm, wiping away a tear track. “You’ll be happier. You’ll be free.”

_Liar._

 

 

The last time that Chanyeol disappears, Baekhyun doesn’t go after him, and Chanyeol never comes back.

 

 

Yixing comes to visit him months later, skipping lightly across the jetty. A flock of birds fly away in an unsynchronised manner as he comes through, as if knowing that Yixing was there.

“Hi Baekhyun.” Yixing greets cheerfully. Baekhyun greets him with a smile, watching Yixing pull his pants up before settling next to Baekhyun.

It’s a little past sundown, fishermen around are packing up and getting ready to leave the jetty. There are some teenagers at the far end of the jetty sitting in a row, singing songs that Baekhyun doesn’t recognise. Baekhyun used to be one of them back in middle school, before his father got posted to Seoul. It feels like decades have passed since then, but in truth only 8 years have gone by.

And a whole year has passed like this since Chanyeol left him.

As if Yixing could read Baekhyun’s thoughts, the man gently nudges Baekhyun from his own thoughts with a soft push on his shoulder.

“How have you been?”

Baekhyun shrugs, going for indifferent. “The same.”

“The same as what?”

“You know. As good as I can be.”

_Without Chanyeol._

Yixing’s smile dims a bit, “I’m sure that better days are ahead, Baekhyunnie. You’re still young, there’s a lot that you can experience, learn and do with the time you have now. Besides, you’re already dead, there’s no more inhibitions to doing anything anymore.”

Baekhyun doesn’t reply for awhile. His thoughts go back to the days that he spent with Chanyeol, as they have been for the past year. He remembers how he confessed to Chanyeol that that had been the most alive that he had ever felt, and it was still true. Ironically, he felt that his life had only started once he died, when he met Chanyeol. He laughed, he cried, he loved.

“Do you believe in love, Yixing?”

“Yes.”

“Do you believe in love at first sight?”

“I do, although I haven’t experienced it myself.”

“Do you believe in fate?”

“Yes.”

“Do you believe that a fated love can be unrequited?”

Yixing side-eyes Baekhyun amusedly, nudging him again with his shoulders. “That’s oddly specific.”

“You haven’t answered my question.” Baekhyun points out.

“Well..” Yixing trails off, scratching his head in frustration. Yixing cocks his head to the side, eyes narrowed and rubbing his chin in slow motions when he grits out with difficulty. “I mean. Well. I think that depends on how you define love. How do you define love, Baekhyun?”

“I don’t know. Maybe when they’re sad and you would do anything to bring their smile back? When you hate their little habits but tolerate it because it’s them and you wouldn’t want them to change? When they’re not with you and you can’t stop worrying where they might be?” Baekhyun says. He’s watching the ripples on the surface of the water spread and collide with each other, distorting its original shape and creating a disturbance.

Yixing hums thoughtfully, “I guess what you’ve mentioned is not wrong. I did feel that way when I was in love a long time ago. But you know, I think those are the good side of love that people talk about often.”

“Good side?”

“Hmm, not a good choice of words. But something like that. For example, giving up something you wanted badly because it would make your lover happy.” Yixing explains with a faraway look, “If you ask me, love is sacrifice. Yet for some reason, I think that it’s one of the most undervalued qualities.”

Now it’s Baekhyun’s turn to be confused and frustrated by the roundabout way that Yixing is answering him, even leaving him with more questions than before.

“What do you mean undervalued? From what I see, it’s one of the most talked about quality about love.”

“Yeah, people talk a lot about sacrifice, but they’re never ready to do it. They want the other person to be happy, but most of the time that’s conditioned on them receiving at least the same amount of happiness, if not even more. It’s hard to find someone who would willingly make themselves less happy, just for the other person to be happy.”

Baekhyun glances at Yixing, still wearing that faraway look looking across the water at the heavy clouds in the sky. It’s not nightfall yet so they can see the purple clouds in the sky; it’ll rain later in the night.

“Do you think I’m like that?” Baekhyun asks softly, not really wanting to hear what Yixing has to say. He already knows the answer. Instead of voicing his opinion, Yixing smiles at Baekhyun. “What about Chanyeol?”

Yixing sighs tiredly. “Chanyeol was one of the most selfless man I have ever known. He wasn’t always like that at the start. In fact, I would say that Chanyeol was a lot like you when he first died.”

“How so?”

“Confused, angry, mostly disappointed. Especially when his mentor left him, he withdrew a lot into himself. Bottled up a lot of feelings, just like you. But then I guess he matured and realised that some things are better left the way they are.”

“Left the way they are?”

“A bad ending doesn’t invalidate the entire story. It’s like sewing, sometimes you end up with something that doesn’t come out the way you imagined it would, but it doesn’t make the process less fun or meaningful. And sometimes if you try to undo your mistakes, you’ll end up creating a bigger mess.”

Baekhyun knows this. He’s been telling himself to let Chanyeol go for a year, he’s been trying to convince himself that fate works in mysterious ways, and not always in the way he wants it to. But saying it and actually trying to do it are different things, especially when the person you spent every day with is now gone. Everything they built has been destroyed like a house of cards.

“Every Friday night, we would watch a movie at the old cinema downtown. The one with only 3 theatres and a snack bar that only sells salted popcorn. We picked movies by playing scissors, paper, stone. Sometimes I won and I would choose a romance movie, because I love them. Chanyeol preferred action or sci-fi flicks, because according to him romance movies were full of shit. But I thought that he was full of shit.”

His throat goes dry, the words feel so heavy and almost impossible to speak. Saying his out loud means that it’s real, Chanyeol is really gone for good.

“And every Sunday was dance dance revolution day. It was so stupid. I used to give him so much shit for being addicted to it, and then one day I found myself hoping that someone would just play the game already, so that the both of us could play it too. And one game turned to two, and two turned to five, and when we played our fill the sky would be black. And then we would go for karaoke, even if it was more fun during the weekday nights because of the office workers that come after work. They slurred in their singing and swayed and laughed, and we would get high off that energy.” Baekhyun smiles to himself at the memories at come to mind, of all the times that they sang in the dim blinking lights and stale air that reeked of alcohol.

“We built a home in a furniture shop, the kind with a lot of wooden furnitures that are too expensive to ever buy. The kind I admired and vowed to remodel my future house after when I had the money. When we woke up because of the staff dusting the area before opening, it would be the most natural feeling to lay on that bed that wasn’t ours, and call it our home.” Baekhyun’s voice cracks on the last word. He draws his knees to his chest and hides his face in the space in between. Yixing remains quiet when Baekhyun starts to speak faster, more emotionally. He pretends he doesn’t see the tears that streak down his friend’s face.

“Sometimes when I woke up, I was scared. I was so scared that I would wake up one day and find that this was all just a long dream, that Chanyeol was not next to me with his open eyes and loud snoring. Only that one day, my nightmare became my reality, Yixing.

“I wake up hopeful now, just because I don’t think that I can live on knowing that everything has gone away, but my heart breaks every day. I used to wonder why people described heart breaks as if there’s a real pain in their chest, now I wonder how much more pain I can take before I can’t. I’ve lost my home, I’ve lost my love, and now I truly feel like a dead man walking in search of an ending. It’s like finding the reason to live, and then having it snatched from under your nose. You always think back to when you could have prevented it, but you’ll never get that opportunity again. It’s devastating.”

Baekhyun sniffs, rubbing his nose until it’s red and raw and hurting.

“Everytime I think of him, I think of how he asked if having a goodbye was better than not having one. Do you know what he said? He told me that he thought not having one was easier, because he doesn’t know how to bid someone goodbye properly. But who is it really easier for? It’s painful for the person who is being left behind. Didn’t he ever think of it from that perspective?”

Baekhyun sniffs again, rubbing his eyes angrily. Yixing shifts closer to Baekhyun, drawing him into a side-hug and rubbing his hand up and down comfortingly.

Yixing sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Conclusions are nice, they usually give closure, but sometimes it’s better to make your own endings, because the real ending may not give you any. It might even hurt you more.”

The kids at the other side laugh in a rowdy manner, hands slapping each other’s backs and some even curling on the jetty. A bird lands besides Yixing, waddling awkwardly in search of food.

“What are you really saying, Yixing?” Baekhyun whispers.

“I’m saying that I’ve been around longer than Chanyeol has, and while Chanyeol could have gone about it a better way, I know for a fact he was only trying to give you a less painful goodbye. And deep down, I think you know that too.” Yixing smiles pitifully at Baekhyun. “Like I said, love is sacrifice. And I know that you know, he loved you.”

Baekhyun rubs away the new tears rolling down his cheeks quickly.

“You are where you are now, be happy for it.” Yixing chuckles, patting Baekhyun’s head.

Yixing is right. The world doesn’t stop just because the person you love doesn’t love you back. The world doesn’t stop just because you’ve lost the person who matters most. Even if he wishes it didn’t, the world moves on. So Baekhyun moves on.

He goes on that road trip with Jongdae to New Zealand, Jongdae saying that he knew how much Baekhyun wanted to go on long unplanned drives and New Zealand was a good place to go. Jongdae goes alone but always ordered two portions and two beds, keeps a space in his selfies where Baekhyun would have been. He attends his brother’s wedding, tearing up when his sister-in-law says a shaky yes and kisses his brother like the most precious thing in the world. He watches Mongryong cry in pain as the needle pierces his skin, falling into an eternal slumber in his mother’s arms as she cries painfully. When Mongryong jumps into his arms again with its tongue out and tail wagging, Baekhyun finds himself collapsing in a fit of laughter.

The world moves on, so Baekhyun moves on.

 

It’s 29 years later that the world finally stops again.

Baekhyun was wandering around the quiet corners of Seoul. It’s been a while since he’s had a tutee and he began to wonder if it was time to have one soon. But the last time that he checked the bulletin, there was no one in line.

As a young boy, Baekhyun used to hate the streets at night. The fear of the dark always stopped him from exploring the city, but in death there was nothing left to fear and he grew to love the peace and tranquility that came with the late hours.

Baekhyun walked and walked for a long time. The longer he walked, the less time he’d be idle and thinking about things better left untouched. He should have known though that the past always has a way of coming back to remind him of what was important, because it happens in a slow fashion when he chances upon a massive wreckage. A vehicle pile up on a small lane, and there was sure to be at least 1 casualty from that heap of scrap metal.

Baekhyun takes cautious steps towards the accident. There were lots of shattered glass, smashed bits of metal, blood slowly snaking across the asphalt. He grimaces as he carefully meanders along the mess, deciding to check the bulletin again to see if he has to pick anyone up from this.

He unfolds the crumpled lined paper again, and he hears it before he sees it.

A scream. A very familiar voice screaming.

There’s a new name on the paper. It hadn’t been there when Baekhyun checked it hours ago.

Someone is dragging himself away from the wreckage, crying hysterically.

“No. No. No. This can’t be real. This can’t be real!”

_Park Chanyeol._

“I must be dreaming!”

_Dies aged 28 in a car accident._

Baekhyun’s gaze travel to where Chanyeol is on the floor, shaking his head violently.

_“Well, what if it’s the reverse? What if you met your soulmate and then died, so that you only got to spend a short period of time with them?”_

Baekhyun feels the world around him begin to spin. It’s getting increasingly difficult to breathe.

_“I think that I would write my name, because I would want the person to remember that they once knew me. For me, knowing I am loved by someone I don’t remember doesn’t mean anything, because that person is essentially a stranger to me.”_

Chanyeol turns around slowly, eyes shining with more tears. He looks confusedly at Baekhyun, lips trembling as they begin to part.

_“I can’t bring you happiness. You’ll only be miserable if you keep following me.”_

“Who - who are you?” Chanyeol stammers, furiously wiping away his tears.

His heart falls faster than it ever did, the pieces that he painstakingly pieced together now shattering on its way to the bottomless pit. He doesn’t know if he can ever piece them back together again.

Baekhyun closes his eyes so tightly, wishing for all this to just be another nightmare he will wake up from. And when he wakes up, Chanyeol will be next to him on that bed, and they’ll bicker about where to go and what to do, even though they know that they would give in and follow the other eventually.

But he knows that that dream has slipped between his fingers like sand a long time ago.

Opening his eyes slowly, Baekhyun squats down so that he’s eye-level with Chanyeol. He can see the fear and mistrust in Chanyeol’s eyes, there’s no hint of recognition in there. Those eyes that once held so much care and love for him now seemed so dark and empty, that voice that used to comfort him now reeked of suspicion. It looks like his Chanyeol, it sounds like his Chanyeol, but it isn’t his Chanyeol.

Maybe he finally understands why Chanyeol looked at him that way 30 years ago, when he saw the light go out in his hopeful eyes. Maybe he finally understands why a beginning isn’t always a blessing, and why an open ending may give more closure. Maybe he understands now, that love is not enough to hold people together. It feels impossible, but his already shattered heart continues to break itself into smaller pieces as it falls into the abyss it would never resurface from again. Still, he tries his best for his love falling apart in front of him.

Sucking in a shaky breath while trying his best to push away his feelings, he smiles with so much difficulty that it pains him physically.

“My name is Byun Baekhyun, and I’m here to bring you home.”

**Author's Note:**

>  **Author’s Final Note:** thank you to everyone who has helped me along the way: the patient mods, L for helping me at the last minute and especially to sy, for being my rock pillar of support and putting up with me and my bullshit even at 5am and when you're not even in the fandom. words can't describe how grateful i am.


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